LEBANON, Ohio – Michelle Wie continued her march to golf immortality on Friday with a 5-4 loss to someone named Clay Ogden in the quarter final round of the U.S. Amateur Public Links tournament, men’s division.
Although technically Ogden went on to win the tournament, Wie rightfully garnered the winner’s share of attention from the press, and she emerged the clear moral victor once again by crushing all but seven of the 156 men against whom she competed. For his part, the twenty-year-old Ogden, a junior at Brigham Young University, isn’t even one of the top players on his college team.
As she often does, Wie, 15, made history just by competing in the U.S. Amateur Public Links, where no other woman had gone before. Had she won the tournament, she would have become the first woman to qualify for The Masters. That honor—and the first of her many victories in The Masters—will have to wait another year.
Wie’s booming drives and even bigger dreams drew unheard-of crowds by the hundreds to the U.S. Amateur Public Links tournament, turning what is normally a back-page, below-the-fold event into a sports happening that made headlines across the globe and around the world. Then, after inspiring women golfers of all ages, ethnicities, and sexual persuasions, Wie displayed a grasp of platitudes that was as far ahead of her age as her game and height are.
“Obviously, I’m disappointed, but it’s not the end of the world,” said the Anointed One. “You have to make lots of birdies and give your opponent, like, no chance.”
The six-foot-tall, drop-dead-gorgeous Wie’s performance at the U.S. Amateur Public Links was the latest in a string of moral victories that would make even Tiger Woods jealous. In recent weeks the curvaceous teenager with the movie star smile notched impressive performances to miss the cut narrowly in two PGA Tour events.
Her most remarkable showing, however, was her come-from-ahead moral victory at the U.S. Women’s Open, where Wie held a share of the lead before finishing tied with Annika Sorenstam for twenty-third. Nobody in the history of golf has won a moral victory by finishing lower than tenth. The significance of an accomplishment like that isn’t lost on the public.
“I don’t normally follow golf, but didn’t Tiger Woods need eight or nine years on the PGA tour before he missed two cuts?” asked Bitsy Sheriden, 89, who had traveled to Lebanon, Ohio, from an assisted-living facility for Alzheimer’s patients in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, to see Wie in action. “This little girl accomplished that before her sixteenth birthday. To my mind she’s the best there ever was already. I think she is precious.”
Sheridan’s opinion is shared by others of like mind, including Selena Roberts, a columnist for The New York Times.
“Right now, Wie probably has no idea she is, like, freaking out everyone who is absolutely polarized by golf’s new Tiger-esque symbol of inclusion.”
According to Roberts, Wie is a triple-threat to rescue both affirmative action and the royal sport of golf, which lost 200,000 participants and sixty-three courses during the last two. Nevertheless, small-minded competitors claim that Wie’s participation in men’s events “delegitimizes” the LPGA, and even more vicious competitors point out that Wie’s next victory in any event—PGA or LPGA—will be her first.
Meanwhile, oblivious to her critics, Michelle Wie continues her march-to-history. The next stops on the tour are the Evian in France and the Women’s British Open in Great Britain. Chalk up two more moral victories for the soon-to-be greatest golfer of all times.
In other news, President George W. Bush used his radio address to the nation yesterday to deny that top advisor Karl Rove isn’t allowed to go to the bathroom without a phalanx of half a dozen minders. “I’ve never seen more than one or two folks follow Karl to the can,” laughed the president.
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