LOS ANGELES – Michelle Wie checked into a Promises residential treatment center early Sunday afternoon to seek help in battling what she called “like, a minor substance thing.”
Looking not at all like the emotional wreck who walked off a golf course in North Carolina the previous day, sobbing and mumbling to herself, Ms. Wie seemed confident, even jaunty, as she talked with reporters.
“There’s, you know, a big difference between actual substance abuse and, like, the number of pills I take for my freaking wrist,” she said. “I hope to get that sorted out quickly.”
Ms. Wie, 17, was once considered a promising golfer, but she has not broken par in twenty-one rounds, and her last three outings have produced a dead-last, road-kill performance sandwiched between two withdrawals.
Worse yet, she had a Britney Spears moment during her last tournament, the U.S. Women’s Open in Southern Pines, North Carolina. After hitting her second shot on her tenth hole, the already six-over-par Ms. Wie rushed up to her caddy and began whispering heatedly.
“There are, like, too many freaking Orientals, Asians, Rice-A-Ronis—whatever the hell you call them—in this tournament,” she was overheard saying.
“They are so imitating me—all these Lees, Parks, Kims, whatever,” she continued. “Every place I turn I see myself. I can’t freaking concentrate.”
According to her manager-father, B.J.—who has frequently been compared to Jessica Simpson’s manager-father, Joe—Ms. Wie has been taking “a few pills here and there” to alleviate the pain in her injured left wrist.
“The pills have turned my daughter into a different person and ruined her game,” said Mr. Wie. “That isn’t Michelle Wie out there. Michelle Wie doesn’t shoot in the eighties. I guarantee you that before long Michelle Wie will be her old self again, challenging men and rewriting golf history.”
In other news, a team of neurologists who monitored Larry King’s interview with former Beatles Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr has concluded that Mr. King is clinically brain dead. Although he retains enough brain function to stay continent most days, he is essentially dead from the shoulders up.
Mr. King referred to Beatle George Harrison as George Hamilton at one point in the interview, then demanded to know “what was so funny” when people burst out laughing. Later he addressed Ringo as George and, worst of all, concluded the interview by cheerily telling Paul McCartney, “Give my best to Linda.”
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