NEW YORK – Naomi Campbell says it was all a misunderstanding. The four-stitch head wound suffered yesterday by her housekeeper, Ana Scolavino, occurred during secret rehearsals for the new reality show Campbell’s Soup, not in a fit of rage, as newspapers are reporting.
“I expect to be completely vindicated,” said Ms. Campbell, 35, as she emerged from the Manhattan North Precinct station house in a white fur poncho (Fur Is Fun Again, $2,800), jeans (Up Yours, $650), and sunglasses (Bob’s Your Uncle, $595). Ms. Campbell, who was arraigned on a charge of second-degree assault, entered a plea of not guilty.
Later in the day Ms. Campbell’s agent, Amanda Silverman, released a statement saying that Ms. Campbell, who had pleaded guilty in Toronto in 1998 to beating another assistant, “was just having a little fun with her reputation” when her jewel-encrusted BlackBerry 8700g slipped out of her hand, striking Ms. Scolavino on the back of the head.
According to Ms. Silverman, Campbell’s Soup is a half-hour comedy-reality show, sponsored by BlackBerry, in which a different member of Ms. Campbell’s staff is fired and subsequently attacked by her each week. The first twenty-four episodes are scheduled to be broadcast by UPN beginning this fall.
Ms. Silverman’s account differs significantly from the report filed by Ms. Scolavino, 42. In that report she charges that Ms. Campbell accused her of stealing a pair of jeans (Chip & Pepper, $200), called her a “f______ b____,” then bashed a crystal-encrusted BlackBerry against her head. Still in a rage, Ms. Campbell warned her staff “to keep you f______ mouths shut if you know what’s good for you.”
Ms. Scolavino alerted officials at Lenox Hill Hospital anyway, and soon the law arrived at Ms. Campbell’s $3.5 million apartment. Ms. Campbell claimed to have no idea what the police were talking about and showed them an undented flip-phone as proof that she hadn’t attacked anybody that day. She was taken away in handcuffs nevertheless, while members of an Oprah Winfrey camera crew who were waiting to film her for a cooking segment trembled nearby.
Before departing for the station house Ms. Campbell sent one of her assistants to fetch the white fur poncho to hide the handcuffs. A police source reported that she asked to be taken to the station house in a limo. Several of her servants, meanwhile, begged cops to let them fix her bangs before she left. The requests were denied.
In other news, Whitney Houston announced today she has forgotten what it was she was going to announce today.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
