In 2009 when Barack Obama was less happy and way less rich, he warned that “a critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past” was the greatest existential threat facing this country.
“The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity,” the president explained. “The air travel involved in last year’s presidential campaign alone consumed more gravity than the entire 18th century. If we don’t do something about conserving gravity, the day will come when we are unable to enjoy a simple game of basketball.”
Indeed, the president became concerned about gravity while he was playing basketball in Chicago. “My J was falling short,” he said. “It kept hitting the front of the rim. I couldn’t have beaten Bill Ayers in a game of H-O-R-S-E the way I was shooting.”
After a few sessions with his shooting coach, President Obama began to worry that there might be a more serious reason for his shooting slump than “not getting enough air” under his jump shot. That suspicion was stoked by the discovery of a shoe box full of unopened correspondence in former President Bush’s private study.
The letters in the shoe box were from the American Society for the Conservation of Gravity (ASCG), which had been urging President Bush to take immediate steps to reduce this nation’s alarming rate of gravity consumption.
Then ASCG president, Leyland P. Moser, warned the former president that unless the United States moved quickly to curtail its runaway consumption of gravity, “we could face disastrous consequences—among them the disappearance of the forward pass from football and the demise of the trampoline industry.” On the plus side, wrote Mr. Moser, “People will literally be able to piss up a rope.”
Mr. Moser, who does not fly or use air mail, never got the meeting he had requested from President Bush, but President Obama vowed to correct that omission by executive order. He also announced, “The next time I’m in Chicago I’ll bike out to the ASCG’s one-story, gravity-conserving headquarters in Schaumberg, Illinois.”
Meanwhile, the president has been reading Living Down to Gravity’s Challenge, the autobiography of Darwin Crum, who founded the ASCG in March 1980. According to Mr. Crum, “Newton never defined gravity. He simply described what it does. The ASCG, on the other hand, used actual unretouched Xeroxed copies to demonstrate that gravity is produced by LIGREFITEs (Little Invisible Gravity Rays Emanating from Inside The Earth). These LIGREFITEs, which look like threaded rods, originate at the center of the earth and extend outward indefinitely.
“By piercing the electrons at the core of all matter, LIGREFITEs keep everything from floating off into space&mdsah;except for helium and a few other substances that are threaded in the opposite direction. Obviously if we tax the properties of LIGREFITEs by constantly sending objects like airplanes, cheerleaders, and yo-yos up and down–or by constructing tall buildings that put a strain on LIGREFITEs—we wear out their threads and exhaust our supply of gravity.”
President Obama, who once considered appointing a Gravity Czar, believed we needed “bold initiatives that will restore people’s faith in gravity.” He urged all Americans to take more naps under weighted blankets, to form elevator pools at work, to stop flipping pancakes, to use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights, and to set their pop-up toasters on their sides because this not only saves gravity but also results in your toast falling right onto your plate.
Other measures the president recommended included a cap on roller coaster construction and height limits on vertical food presentation. He also wanted all women larger than a 34-B to wear bras; but he dismissed as premature a report that he planned to sign an executive order reducing the ton to 500 pounds.
Roughly a year after President Obama had made these observations, director Kevin Smith was asked to decamp from a Southwest Airlines Oakland-to-Burbank flight because he could not fit into one seat. He was added promptly to the ASCG’s no-fly list.
“Flagrant consumers of gravity such as Mr. Smith—no matter how many seats they purchase or occupy on a flight—are a clear and present danger to this country’s dwindling gravity supply, especially if they are allowed to move about the cabin. Therefore, we have placed Mr. Smith on our no-fly list and respectfully suggest that he take the bus next time.”
Kevin Smith, who has since become a spokesman for Weight Watchers, wasn’t the first celebrity to be grounded by the ASCG. A source close to the group told Postcards from the Pug Bus that Kirstie Alley, Aretha Franklin, Andy Reid, Rex Ryan, and the entire Kardashian family had also been placed on the frequent non-flyers list.
Next Ellen: How scissoring helps to conserve gravity.
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