The Ten Commandments are a clusterfuck, badly in need of prioritizing. Does skipping church on Sunday really deserve to be on the same list as killing somebody? Should muttering the occasional “Jesus H. Christ” be mentioned in the same breath as stealing? We say no, goddammit, but let us not judge the 10Cs too harshly. They were, after all, handed down by a primitive god to a primitive people, neither of whom knew from irony. Let us indulge, rather, in some counter programming and flip the script on one of the minor commandments, the ninth, by designating December 3 as National Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife Day.
This one doesn’t need an instruction book; no assembly is required. You’ve got a brain, an imagination, and at least one good eye. What are you waiting for? Start coveting, and don’t limit your coveting to your neighbor’s wife. Nobody but Trump-loving evangelicals takes that bible shit literally. Does your neighbor have a hot teen-age daughter, preferably underage? Covet her ass, too. It’s probably tighter than her mother’s anyway.
In the course of a day the opportunities for lusting in your heart are infinite. Checkout girls in the supermarket, baristas at Starbucks, your sister and your female cousins if you live below the Mason-Dixon Line . . . hell, you don’t even have to leave the house to covet thy neighbor’s wife. That’s why cheerleaders (dance teams in PC terms) were invented. Of course, while you’re doing all this coveting, don’t forget to covet your own wife’s ass, too. She’ll love you for it.
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