Gimme a D … gimme an A, and an R, K … a capital “dub” … and an E,B, too. What’s that spell? What’s that spell? What’s that spell, you deaf mother-fucker? Dark Web, that’s what; and if you ain’t been there, Skippy, you ain’t shit. As a good buddy of ours once said, “It’s a superpower.”
Need a gun, drugs, and counterfeit money? Check. Software to hack into your fucktard neighbor’s computer … or a hacker to do it for you … or somebody to kill the bastard outright? Covered. What about login credentials to a $50,000 Bank of America account for $500? Christmas is coming, eh? User names and passwords (other people’s, of course), $3,000 in counterfeit $20s for $600, a “lifetime” Netflix premium account for $6 (good until Netflix gets wise, which usually takes several months, then you buy another one) . . . if these are tailored to meet your personal needs or if you’re truly into kiddie porn, you ought to be shopping on the Dark Web, where the stores never close, and there are no crowded parking lots or food courts stuffed with the morbidly obese cramming a slow death into their pie holes.
Joining the Dark Web party isn’t difficult. First get a subscription to a VPN (virtual private network). We use ExpressVPN . It’s tighter than a ten-year-old, so tight that not even your internet service provider will know what you’re up to. Subscriptions are $12.95/month for a one-month plan, $9.99/month for a six-month plan, and $8.32/month for a twelve-month plan. All come with thirty-day, money-back guarantees.
Next download a TOR browser and set it up. It’s free. Google, Bing, and those wankers are helpless on the Dark Web. (If you’re into irony, TOR was created by the US Navy and is still partially government funded.)
For day trippers and tire-kickers looking to wet themselves in horror, this is all that’s required; but if something catches your fancy—like a full-gram, live-resin cart of Space Monkey or some designer opioid patches—you’re going to need coin, Bitcoin. For that we recommend Coinbase.
In the interest of brevity and of not getting ourselves busted, we won’t include first-person testimonials here. We can say that “a friend of ours” reports that he got more and better drugs delivered to his fucking mail box than he gets from Pennsylvania’s limp-dick medical marijuana program, which doesn’t deliver in almost every sense of the word. Peace out and happy shopping, all y’all; and if you happen across KingKush or GreenSmokeShop in your travels, give ’em daps from nancybotwin.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
