WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Those fucking soccer moms and their limp-dick, male-pattern-baldness, girly-man, yes-ma’am allies are at it again. Their tiresome crusade to reduce our vibrant, often fractious, melting-pot society to a white-bread, missionary-position-only blandness has resulted in a ban on Four Loko, Cuban cigars, radar detectors, cigarettes, candy cigarettes, foie gras, free speech, lawn darts, and more.
Yep, having come for your bump stocks and your raw milk, these mother-fuckers are coming for your plastic straws. You have six months to surrender them at the local police station or face persecution [sic].
Why the fuss, a rational, non-estrogen-crazed person might ask? According to National Geographic, plastic straws account for 0.025 percent of the eight million tons of plastic that make their way to the ocean every year. Hardly seems a drop in the ocean to us.
Nat Geo provides the answer to this question … the plastic straw is the major focus of recent environmental campaigns “because, for most able-bodied people, the straw is something you can easily do without. Eliminating plastic straw usage rarely requires a drastic change in behavior.”
Got that, Skippy? These craven asshole crusaders start with the little things, the things nobody is going to miss. From there they progress to, well, that’s anyone’s guess. A bigger thing, maybe? And if they have to lie to get there, so what, eh?
Earlier this year USA TODAY reported, “Critics have called the government bans too oppressive and have said the statistic many of these bans are based on, that Americans throw away 500 million drinking straws daily, is outdated and unverified.
Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund Communications Director Lawrence Carter-Long told USA TODAY that reusable straws don’t work “as well as plastic straws” for people with disabilities. “The disabilities affected by the plastic straw ban run the gamut,” he said, ranging from people with quadriplegia to people with down syndrome or Parkinson’s.
I got news for you, Lawrence (hey, didn’t I interview you once in a former life?): paper straws, like paper assholes, don’t work so well for the rest of us either. Paper straws are to real straws what Impossible Burgers are to the Mission Bowling Club’s brisket-and-chuck-based Mission Burger seared in beef fat and topped with house-made caper aioli, caramelized onions, and Monterey Jack cheese. (The Mission Bowling Club is located behind enemy lines in San Francisco, ironically.)
In conclusion, we would publish the names of the cities and businesses that have enacted plastic-straw bans, but we refuse to give them the publicity they seek. We present, instead, a list of things you might do in the event that you are as pissed off as we are we about this “useless and pointless” ban.
1. Buy all the plastic straws you can afford and stockpile them. Walmart and Amazon will sell them to you.
2. Bring your real straws to restaurants that demand you use paper ones. Toss the paper junk under the table and use the real one. Leave it there when you depart.
3. Cut up a bunch of the straws from your plastic-straw stockpile. Drop them in the toilet in the restroom of said restaurant, after you have used it. Don’t bother to flush (you’ll be conserving water).
4. Stick chewing gum under the table.
5. Don’t leave a tip. Write a note on the “restaurant copy” of your receipt explaining why.
Next Ellen: Real lesbians don’t use plastic straws, but we love us them plastic dildos.
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