Small Town America, who doesn’t love it … or at least the idea of it? Tree-lined streets with a church on every third corner; impish, tow-headed children on loan from a Norman Rockwell painting; no need to lock the doors at night or at any other time. Bliss, for sure, but with all the recent talk about the rural opioid crisis, Small Town America has taken one in the shorts. Hoping to help restore the reputation of Small Town America as a safe haven from drugs, crime, social justice warriors, and racial strife, we give you Port Allegany, Pennsylvania.
Per the census of 2000, Port Allegany was home to 2,355 people, 99.36% of whom were Caucasian. The median household income was $34,896, and the median family income was $43,125. Those figures, however, do not convey as much information about the quality of life in Port Allegany as its crime statistics do. Witness the following annotated crime report for November 14 through 21, this year. Prepare to be staggered.
Nov. 14
At 11:30 a.m., police received a report of a suicidal male on Mill Street. The report was unfounded. (Internet connectivity is so spotty in Port Allegany that people often do appear suicidal.)
The officer received a complaint of an email scam at 1:34 p.m. The victim received an email purporting to be an employer requesting Google Play cards which were purchased, photographed, and sent to the scammer. (And then?)
Police received a report of possible stolen medications at 8:46 p.m. The report is unfounded and the items may have been misplaced during an emergency transport to the hospital. (Perhaps they rolled under the gurney when the emergency transport vehicle took too sharp a turn.)
Nov. 15
Police received a report of a property dispute at 2:36 a.m. from an individual who wanted to retrieve belongings from a parent’s residence. (That’s what happens when you lock your kid out of the basement . . . he comes around a 2:36 a.m. and raises a ruckus.)
At 1:30 p.m., police received a report of property taken from a porch on Park Lane. Police were unable to determine who the property belonged to as it was exchanged several times and was eventually deemed abandoned. (WTF?)
Police conducted a traffic stop at 7:27 p.m. at the Kwik Fill resulting in citations, including one for an open container of alcohol. (Finally, some action.)
Nov. 17
Police assisted a driver with a vehicle lockout at noon. (No vehicle windows were harmed in the provision of this service.)
At 1:30 p.m., an officer sitting stationary in a patrol vehicle reported an individual yelling at him. (Perhaps the yelling individual was just trying to make sure the cop wasn’t sleeping on duty.)
Nov. 19
Police responded to a property dispute on South Main Street where a neighbor was reportedly blocking access to a driveway by parking in front of it. (Good driveways make good neighbors.)
Nov. 21
Borough police assisted state police with a motor vehicle accident at 1:05 a.m. (No opioids were found at the scene.)
At 4:52 p.m., someone turned in a vehicle registration card found at the Kwik Fill. (That Kwik Fill is slammin’, first the open alcohol container, now this. Can a flasher be far behind?)
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