NASHVILLE, Tenn. – Nicole Kidman has fitted her alcoholic husband Keith Urban with a microchip, hoping to accomplish with technology what she couldn’t accomplish with sex, mandatory rehab, or pregnancy threats. The device, a transponder actually, was implanted between Mr. Urban’s shoulder blades before he embarked on his O’Doul’s Amber Waves of Grain Tour last month.
According to Ms. Kidman, the microchip detects the presence of alcohol in a person’s body and sends a signal to a designated cell phone—Ms. Kidman’s, for example—if the microchipped individual hits the sauce again.
What’s more, said the skeletally thin and ghostly pale actress, the microchip can assist people in returning lost drunks to their families.
“Thousands and thousands of alcoholics fall off the wagon each year and are never returned to their homes because they forget their names and nobody knows where they belong,” said Ms. Kidman. “Now that Keith’s been microchipped, if anyone finds him sleeping in their dumpster or peeing on their lawn, all they have to do is take him to the nearest veterinarian and have him scanned to find out where he lives.”
Ms. Kidman further explained that the microchip is so tiny it can be inserted painlessly, is unfelt when it’s in place, and will not set off airport metal detectors.
Despite Ms. Kidman’s endorsement of microchipping—which adds only $45 to the cost of a routine physical—some people in the entertainment industry are opposed to the idea.
Actor Charlie Sheen called microchipping “an inappropriate extension of government bureaucracy, a companion piece to the 9/11 coverup conspiracy that threatens the freedom of all Americans.
“Responsible women take care of their husbands, so they don’t feel the need to go out and get shitfaced or gamble or look at kiddie porn on the web,” said Mr. Sheen. “If she’s so hot for this invasion of privacy, why doesn’t she stick one in her [vagina]. I bet ol’ Keith’s cell phone would be ringing day and night if Nicole put a chip in that habitrail.”
In other news, Nicole Richie told Vanity Fair that she realizes she is too thin and she is “researching” ways to gain weight. Ms. Richie revealed that she is weighed by an assistant once a week but never inquires after the results because “numbers don’t mean anything to me.” This text is supposed to show up in a text box. Let’s see if it does, yeah?
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