WASHINGTON–National Security Agency (NSA) personnel have, on numerous occasions, used their agency’s ginormous eavesdropping power to spy on booty calls and other communications of a sexual nature, reported FOX News “O’Reilley Factor” last night.
The NSA, as usual, was quick to respond, issuing the following denial before the Fox News broadcast had concluded.
“This sort of thing doesn’t rise to the level of statistical significance,” said an NSA official. “The practice is so rare that we don’t even bother keeping track of it, so I really couldn’t say how frequently it occurs because I actually don’t know. Besides, I wouldn’t be authorized to reveal that information even if I had it.”
Whatever its frequency, the practice of spying on booty calls is common enough to merit its own label: BOOTYINT (boo-TEE-int). For the uninitiated, spy agencies often label their various types of intelligence collection with the suffix “INT,” such as “SIGINT” for signals or communications intelligence, “TERRINT” for terrorist intelligence, “TVINT” for television-watching intelligence, “FAGINT” for gay and lesbian intelligence, etc.
In the wake of revelations made last week that the NSA had violated privacy rules on nearly three thousand occasions in a one-year period, NSA Chief Compliance Officer John DeLong emphasized in a conference call with reporters that those violations were unintentional—the result of typing an area code (202 for Washington, D.C.) instead of a country code (20 for Egypt) or typing “Fischer” instead of “Fisher” and thereby harvesting information about the wrong individual(s) accidentally.
Mr. DeLong (not his real name) also said there have been “very rare” instances of willful violations of any kind (even accidental ones) during the past decade, and none have violated key surveillance laws that we may or may not be aware of. “The NSA has zero tolerance for willful violations of the agency’s authorities and would respond to them, if they were to occur, when appropriate.”
Most of the incidents, he added, were self-reported when employees were scheduled for polygraph tests as part of a renewal of a security clearance or parking space application.
In related news: The Pirate Bay suggests that persons who make or receive booty calls should refrain from using obvious sexual references such as “tap that ass” or “ride me hard and put me away wet.” Using innocuous messages such as “I’m at the supermarket, do you want me to pick up anything while I’m here?” will probably result in the call being routed to the NSA’s FOODINT database.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
