WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Security Agency (NSA) announced this morning that it had foiled “a massive terrorist plot” to disrupt the 150th reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg, held on July 4-7 at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
A spokesman for the embattled spy organization, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Associated Press that the NSA had saved “countless thousands of lives, including many children’s lives” by “taking down a world wide cabal” of terrorists.
“Nobody’s complaining about their phone calls, emails, web searches, or text messages being harvested now,” said the spokesman, “especially not the people who would have been left writhing in a bloody heap at Gettysburg were it not for the NSA’s dedication to their freedom and privacy. We didn’t see Edward Snowden or the ACLU stepping up to fight terror.”
The spokesman would not identify the terrorist groups involved in the Gettysburg plot or the means by which they had been thwarted, because “that information is classified, of course.” He did claim, however, that other Fourth of July celebrations, including a large family reunion in Liberty, Indiana, had been protected by the NSA’s oversight.
“We knew the Fourth of July would be an inviting target for terrorists around the world who hate us for our freedoms, so we were extra vigilant about reading emails and listening in on phone calls during the months leading up to this event.”
In addition, a source believed to be close to the NSA leaked information concerning the organization’s “significant” physical presence among the eighty thousand spectators at Gettysburg. According to that source, the NSA had more than a thousand deputized agents, recruited from local volunteers, circulating among Confederate “troops,” especially those involved in re-creating Pickett’s charge.
“Two NSA agents disguised as attendants at a rest stop near Richmond, Virginia, overheard some guys saying it would be a hoot if ‘somebody sneaked in live ammunition and got them a few Yankees’ when they took part in the reenactment of Pickett’s charge. As a result, the NSA deputized more than a thousand Gettysburg residents as part of the organization’s Boots ‘n’ Ears to the Ground initiative, “a particular favorite of President Obama.”
Most of those deputies infiltrated Pickett’s troops, but at least fifty of them commandeered Port-o-Potties, from which they monitored crowd flow and evacuations. The resulting increased waits at the other 250 Port-o-Potties were the only sign that something might have been rotten in Gettysburg on a hot July weekend.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
