WASHINGTON–Although he has not been able to persuade Congress to give him permission to bomb Syria, President Obama demonstrated yesterday that a president, no matter how beleaguered, still has some juice up his sleeve. In a brief ceremony held in the Rose Garden, the president issued an executive order changing the name of the Tomahawk missiles he is eager to drop on Syria.
“How can we hope to secure the blessings of democracy on foreign lands if the bombs we drop on them have hurtful, outmoded names,” said the president. “Therefore I have issued an executive order, effective immediately, changing the name of the Tomahawk Cruise Missile to the Freedom Missile.
“It is no longer acceptable that the United States inflict civilian casualties abroad with a missile whose name makes many Americans feel uncomfortable. Besides, if we are going to kill people in order to bring them freedom, the name of the bomb we kill them with should reflect that intention.”
Republicans were quick to charge the president with pandering to the “sinister forces” of political correctness.
“The Tomahawk missile was named more than forty years ago in honor of an Indian axe,” said Florida Governor Marco Rubio. “It has proudly advanced American interests in countless theaters from Operation Deliberate Force to Operation Enduring Freedom. I don’t see any reason to change the name now. In fact, if anybody ought to be upset by the name tomahawk, it’s white people. They’re the ones who were most often injured by tomahawks.”
Given the president’s long-standing desire to change the name of the Washington Redskins to “something more sensitive,” some pundits believed he would issue an executive order regarding that change also.
According to Deadspin.com, the president is paying close attention to a Redskins-related petition carried on signon.org. That petition asks Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, to change his team’s nickname and mascot. When the petition reaches 750 signatures, it will be sent to Mr. Snyder.
Thus far the Redskins, which have answered to that name since arriving in Washington in 1937, have shown no inclination to consider changing their controversial handle, which was chosen by a former owner who was the last NFL team owner to allow an African-American on his roster.
FYI: The United States Navy owns roughly 3,500 Tomahawk cruise missiles of all types. Their combined worth is $2.6 billion. The Navy estimates that “rebranding” these missiles will cost nearly $3.5 million.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
