BATON ROUGE—A virus commonly found on toilet seats (TS-36) may be at the bottom of the obesity epidemic threatening to engulf the United States and to put a morbid strain on its gravity supply.
Until now obesity was thought to be caused largely by overeating, prolonged residence below the Mason-Dixon Line, frequent attendance at cat shows, and one’s choice of sexual partners; but according to Anne Marie Magdalena, M.D., Ph.D., of the Prudhomme Biomedical Research Center in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, the TS-36 virus “totally promotes the storage of fat.”
Dr. Magdalena led a team of researchers who conducted a double bowl study in which an experimental group of twelve, normal-weight subjects used toilet seats that had been swabbed with live TS-36 virus, which is known to be a common cause of respiratory and eye infections. Meanwhile, the twelve normal-weight members of the control group used toilet seats that were free of TS-36 contamination.
Blood samples taken from all members of the groups after one week revealed that each member of the experimental group had developed antibodies to fight TS-36 infection. By contrast, no members of the control group had developed similar antibodies, although three members apparently had lied when they said they were not infected with STDs.
Following the initial phase of the study, all test subjects were weighed at three-month intervals for two years. At each weigh-in the TS-36-infected subjects outweighed the control-group subjects by increasingly large, statistically significant margins.
“In other words,” said Dr. Magdalena, “the TS-36 subjects were all turning into fat shits.”
Dr. Magdalena cautioned that TS-36 is not the sole cause of obesity, nor would it be prudent to conclude “at the present time” that all people infected with the virus will become obese. Nevertheless, she said, “our research provides strong evidence that some obesity cases may involve viral infections.”
The implications of the TS-36 study are obvious, said Dr. Magdalena: if you must use a toilet away from home, be sure to disinfect it thoroughly or to cover it with a prophylactic before getting down to business. The same precautions should be taken at home if anyone in your household develops a cold or an eye infection.
In addition, persons should think twice before sharing a bathroom—or having sex in a bathroom, especialy at a cat show—with fat people who have habitually runny noses.
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