WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush told an audience at a fundraiser here last night that he plans to redesign the United States monetary system, beginning with the ubiquitous dollar bill.
Arguing that the dollar’s “cheesy appearance” is responsible for its poor showing against major currencies in world financial markets, the president declared, “I have authorized the Secretary of Graphic Arts to ask Congress to pass legislation that will lead to the replacement of George Washington’s image on the dollar bill with a more suitable modern likeness.
“The American people deserve a dollar that they don’t have to be ashamed of any longer,” said Mr. Bush. “How can we expect our dollar to compete against the euro when our dollar looks like somebody’s weird Uncle Bob dressed up for the Halloween dance at the senior center?”
According to President Bush, international monetary managers have become more style conscious with the emergence of the European Union as a world economic power.
“Thus,” he argued, “there’s no reason why our dollar should be devalued by a photo of a guy with bad hair who looks like his wooden teeth were hurting him when he posed for his portrait. It’s not surprising that other countries are turning to the euro as their reserve currency of choice.”
Mr. Bush also decried the use of “Latin mumbo jumbo” on the back of the dollar. “Almost nobody speaks Latin anymore,” he said. “It’s a dead language. If we insist on using it, the dollar will soon be dead too.”
Although the president stopped short of saying whose image he favored to replace Washington’s, a source close to the White House said Mr. Bush was leaning toward a strong masculine presence like Dale Earnhardt, a religious figure like Pope John Paul II, or a more recent president like his father.
Asked why the president did not include any women among his tentative choices, the source replied, “The boss doesn’t think the country’s ready for a woman on its currency. Moreover, he fears that ‘female currency’ would be subject to unsettling cyclical influences that could destabilize the economy.”
The president’s enthusiasm for “cutting edge currency” has also been criticized for excluding minorities. The Reverend Jesse Jackson said that any dollar with “a dead white person” on it was “funny money, honey.”
In remarks scheduled to be given at a pre-election vote fraud conspiracy rally in Cincinnati, Ohio, tonight, Mr. Jackson will thunder, “The black man in this country will never be free as long as he is refused a seat on the legal tender bus.”
Mr. Jackson is said to prefer his own photo for inclusion on the dollar. Failing that, he supports a move to put a portrait of the late Martin Luther King Jr. on the bill. Christian groups, meanwhile, argue that Americans’ widespread belief in angels make them the best subject to grace the dollar.
The most radical suggestion for modernizing the dollar came from Wayne Lemons, Delaware’s state lottery director. Mr. Lemons is touting the Lotto-Dollar as “a kick-ass competitor” to the euro.
“The Lotto-Dollar would function as the present dollar does,” Mr. Lemons explained, “but the Lotto-Dollar would have a number concealed under that spooky eye on the back. Upon scratching the eye, just as you would scratch a lottery ticket, you would find out if your dollar is worth its face value or some other value ranging from $5 to $500—plus a free Big Mac with fries and soda at McDonald’s.”
In related news, the White House denied that the president is planning to reach out to the gay-and-lesbian community by putting “that gay Teletubby” on a three-dollar bill, which would be legal tender in blue states only.
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