WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing rising gasoline prices as the “greatest threat to our mission in the United States,” Osama bin Laden advised Al-Qaida members at work in America to walk or to ride bicycles when they visit Internet cafes to plan their next attack.
“In your struggle to bring down the corrupt regime of George W.Bush,” wrote bin Laden, “the biggest challenge you face is the maintenance of a decent standard of living in the face of the plague of inflated gas prices that Allah has inflicted upon the infidels.”
Bin Laden’s comments were made in an e-mail intercepted by the CIA and leaked to selected reporters by Karl Rove. In that e-mail bin Laden issued guidelines for coping with runaway gasoline prices, which have climbed nearly 50 percent since January.
1. Check www.bomb-buddy.com regularly to determine which greedy, capitalist stations are selling gasoline at the lowest rates in your area.
2. Don’t use high-octane gasoline to make a bomb if regular gas will explode just as effectively.
3. Avoid gasoline that contains ethanol because you will need three times as much gas to achieve the desired ka-boom!
4. Make sure your bomb-delivery vehicle’s tires are inflated properly. Underinflated tires reduce gas mileage. Check tires when they’re cold, using a dial-type gauge not the unreliable pencil-style gauge.
5. Keep your car tuned up. Change spark plugs and filters according to the manufacturer’s recommendations.
6. Avoid short trips. If you’re making an incendiary device, don’t buy the fuse today, the accelerant tomorrow, and the duct tape the day after that. Buy all the necessary materials in a single trip.
7. Car pool whenever possible. Instead of sending three different operatives on separate errands in three different cars, use one car and have two operatives wait in the car while the other one goes into the store.
8. Use a bicycle or a scooter as your primary means of transportation if you must travel alone. Scooters get sixty to eighty miles per gallon.
9. Instead of taking expensive, hands-on flight training classes in gas-burning airplanes, use simulated computer models.
In addition to these general tips Bin Laden offered advice for Al-Qaida members working in the transportation and personal service sectors. For example, he advised Al-Qaida members driving cabs in the United States not to cruise the streets looking for fares but to wait for customers to call for a cab. He also advised them to wash their cabs themselves instead of taking them to car washes. Finally, he advised terrorist trainees employed as domestics to rearrange their daily schedules so that on any given day they work in houses that are no more than five miles apart.
In other news, President Bush told reporters following the Tour de Crawford bicycle ride on his Texas ranch yesterday that fellow cyclist Lance Armstrong “rides pretty good for a guy with one [testicle].”
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