postcards from the pug bus

postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

. . . . . Only Jesus pardons more than Joe Biden . . . . . "The truth is hate to those who hate the truth." (Stormfront) . . . . . too many presenters on YouTube have faces made for radio . . . . . "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) . . . . . a level playing field lifts no boats . . . . . the best arguments against reincarnation are first grade and first wives . . . . . familiarity breeds . . . . . whether you think you can or you can't, you're right . . . . . song stuck in local man's head wants out . . . . . the unexamined life is not worth examining . . . . . well begun is, well, begun . . . . . if it's statistically impossible, it's impossible . . . . . no one gives a shit about your pronouns . . . . . as one gets old, old times' sake is the only sake left . . . . . less is more only if more is out to lunch . . . . .
NewsWeed

AARP Head Announces Support for Legalized Pot

philmaggitti 472 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON – The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will sponsor a smoke-in to promote the group’s campaign to legalize marijuana. The weekend event, called the Great American Pot Luck Festival, will be held at Daytona International Speedway in Florida, July 8-10. Sponsors include Grecian Formula, Cialis, Fixodent, Beano, Depends, and Correctol with Stool Softener. Read More

Culture

Food Network Announces Iron Chef Cannibalism Series

Biff Scuzzy 414 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel Channel’s No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Man v. Food. Who wants to see a pair of culinary school divas fussing about in an $8-million kitchen, Read More

Music

Van Morrison Files for Intellectual Bankruptcy

philmaggitti 455 Views 3 min read

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for intellectual bankruptcy, according to a notice published on his official website—The Gospel According to St. Van. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he hasn’t had a worthwhile musical idea since 1972 and that he’s tired of recycling the same three riffs, though Read More

News

SpaghettiOs Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh

philmaggitti 407 Views 2 min read

CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three. Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been resting on its ladles since Read More

News

Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

philmaggitti 409 Views 1 min read

NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be Read More

News

There’s Trouble in The Dog Whisperer’s Paradise

Biff Scuzzy 417 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Who doesn’t love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he’s stinking rich; he’s the dog whisperer. Who doesn’t love him? As it turns out, a few of his own dogs aren’t exactly big Read More

Sporting Life

NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

philmaggitti 419 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK, N.Y. - The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room a few days before Christmas. According to a team official, Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a back-up guard, strapped up Read More

Sporting Life

Tiger Woods’ Last Golf Digest Article Leaked to Press

philmaggitti 424 Views 3 min read

TRUMBULL, Conn. – One day after Golf Digest had announced that it was suspending Tiger Woods’ popular instructional series, “Lay It As It Plays,” the final column in that series was leaked to the press. Entitled “Workin’ the Two Hole,” the article contained Mr. Woods’ most playful comments to date regarding his serial infidelities, but the magazine Read More

Religion

God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning

philmaggitti 460 Views 2 min read

HEAVEN – God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: “I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that Read More

News

Police Searching for Stolen Breast Implants

Chip Hilton 444 Views 1 min read

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. – Police are searching for a pair of 38-D breast implants obtained under false pretenses earlier this month. The breasts were lifted from the Route 70 Center for Plastic Surgery by a thirty-year-old, red-headed woman who used a bogus ID to pay the first of three, easy $4,000 installments for body and fender Read More

News

NuvaRing Launches New Marketing Campaign

Biff Scuzzy 450 Views 3 min read

WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.- NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or who have otherwise been discommoded while using NuvaRing. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical company is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to “square Read More

Sporting Life

Tiger Woods Admits to Tryptophan Addiction

philmaggitti 390 Views 1 min read

JUPITER ISLAND, Fla. – Tiger Woods revealed on his website this morning that he has decided to seek treatment for his tryptophan addiction. Mr. Woods also revealed that he was “high as a kite” the morning he shanked his SUV into the rough on his front lawn. “For several years now I have been tryptophan-dependent,” Read More

Religion

God Installs Caller ID and Verizon Corporate Package

philmaggitti 416 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received in the weeks before the deaths of Terri Schaivo and Pope John Paul II, God has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayer requests. These features are part of the new fiber-based Verizon Corporate Package, which also Read More