postcards from the pug bus

postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

. . . . . Only Jesus pardons more than Joe Biden . . . . . "The truth is hate to those who hate the truth." (Stormfront) . . . . . too many presenters on YouTube have faces made for radio . . . . . "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) . . . . . a level playing field lifts no boats . . . . . the best arguments against reincarnation are first grade and first wives . . . . . familiarity breeds . . . . . whether you think you can or you can't, you're right . . . . . song stuck in local man's head wants out . . . . . the unexamined life is not worth examining . . . . . well begun is, well, begun . . . . . if it's statistically impossible, it's impossible . . . . . no one gives a shit about your pronouns . . . . . as one gets old, old times' sake is the only sake left . . . . . less is more only if more is out to lunch . . . . .
Culture

Verizon Guy Sued for Telephone Harassment

philmaggitti 457 Views 2 min read

BREWSTER, NY – Paul Marcarelli, better known to millions of television viewers as “the Verizon guy,” has been sued for sexual harassment and making terroristic threats by telephone. The suit was filed by Marcarelli’s ex-fiancee, Julia Richardson, in Brewster, NY, where Marcarelli lives.” According to Richardson, 33, she is the person to whom Marcarelli used Read More

Culture

Bono Challenges World Leaders to Save Board Games

philmaggitti 482 Views 3 min read

MILPITAS, Calif. – Bono, U2’s crusading frontman, has set himself his most ambitious and difficult task to date: rescuing board games from neglect and despair. Toward that end the globe-trotting, name-checking, self-aggrandizing-but humble singer has announced the release of How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, a board game he designed to “reintroduce people everywhere to Read More

Technology

Scientists Clone Monkey from Courtney Love Cells

Chip Hilton 420 Views 2 min read

PORTLAND, Ore. – Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have manipulated the DNA of skin cells obtained from Courtney Love to create monkey embryos from which stem cells were extracted three days later. This experiment, the first in which a primate embryo was created from a “superior species,” may lead to breakthroughs in the Read More

News

Al Qaeda Rebuilds Through Draft, Trades, Free Agency

philmaggitti 450 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2010-1 terrorist-attack season begins September 1. “Al Qaeda’s a real sleeper this year,” said Read More

Religion

Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass

philmaggitti 461 Views 1 min read

VATICAN CITY — Following months of speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church. The pope’s decision was made public Saturday in a decree entitled Igpay Atinlay Ulesray. Known as the Igskinpay rite, the Pig Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column

Chip Hilton 492 Views 5 min read

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Lopez’ introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez’ newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for pets. The column, entitled “Jennifer Lopez on All Fours,” will debut in the December issues of Dog Fancy and Cat Fancy magazines. “We are Read More

Religion

God Questions Existence of Rainbow Bridge

philmaggitti 407 Views 4 min read

HEAVEN – Pet owners took one in the shorts from The Lord God Almighty today when He issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets are made young and healthy again while they wait for their owners to Read More

News

Walmart Stock in the Crosshairs

philmaggitti 422 Views 3 min read

MORGANTOWN, Penna.—Concerns about the value of Wal-Mart stock going forward from the El Paso shootings have decimated company morale, threatened the social fabric of many small communities, and led thousands of Wal-Mart employees to seek other career paths. Although Wal-Mart shares closed at $112.99 on Friday, just 1.8% below their all-time high, many Wal-Mart employees Read More

News

Three Second Rule Extended During Recession

philmaggitti 416 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal three-second guideline, which warns anyone against picking up food and eating it more than three seconds after it has been dropped, will be extended to six seconds for the remainder of the current recession, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture spokesperson. “With so many Americans struggling to put food Read More

Religion

Microsoft Acquires Christian Software Firm

philmaggitti 396 Views 3 min read

REDMOND – Wash. – Microsoft’s CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama’s Silicone Holler. The company produces “salvation software for Jesus geeks.” Gates also announced that Glossolalia Read More

Politics

President Obama Plans Portuguese Water Dog Bailout

Biff Scuzzy 401 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Having asked Congress for three trillion dollars to bail out banks, mortgage scofflaws, the educational system, health care, and the Recording Industry Association of America, President Barack Obama is poised to announce as early as next week his plan to bail out a Portuguese water dog from an animal shelter. “We have Read More

Music

Bono Accused of Leaking New U2 Album

philmaggitti 431 Views 4 min read

DUBLIN – U2 frontman, Bono, has been accused by his band mates of leaking the group’s new album, No Line on the Horizon, well in advance of its March 3 release date. The charges were leveled as the new album became widely available on BitTorrent and file sharing websites early this week. “The needy little Read More

Technology

Microsoft Blames Hackers for Severance Pay Blunder

philmaggitti 411 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – A spokesperson for Microsoft blamed hackers for the company’s severance pay blunders, which resulted in some laid-off workers receiving too much severance pay while others received too little. “A weakness in our payroll program—or else in our calculator—was exploited by hackers at some point during the holiday season,” the spokesperson reported. “We Read More