postcards from the pug bus

postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

. . . . . Only Jesus pardons more than Joe Biden . . . . . "The truth is hate to those who hate the truth." (Stormfront) . . . . . too many presenters on YouTube have faces made for radio . . . . . "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) . . . . . a level playing field lifts no boats . . . . . the best arguments against reincarnation are first grade and first wives . . . . . familiarity breeds . . . . . whether you think you can or you can't, you're right . . . . . song stuck in local man's head wants out . . . . . the unexamined life is not worth examining . . . . . well begun is, well, begun . . . . . if it's statistically impossible, it's impossible . . . . . no one gives a shit about your pronouns . . . . . as one gets old, old times' sake is the only sake left . . . . . less is more only if more is out to lunch . . . . .
Technology

Angelina Jolie Computer Virus Poised to Strike

philmaggitti 419 Views 3 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – The Angelina Jolie virus, a new and potentially smothering computer virus, is set to strike computers around the world on Friday. Popularly known as the Black Mother Widow (BMW) virus, this dangerous scourge is thought to be the work of an Amsterdam-based group of hackers that calls itself Één meer Toke. Microsoft Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Joins Drunks Against Mad Mothers Group

Chip Hilton 394 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – After attending several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), Britney Spears has decided to join the group, a former assistant revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Spears has met with the group three or four times “in a couple of clubs near Read More

Celebrities

Clay Aiken Birthday Quiz, Exclusive

Biff Scuzzy 406 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Clay Aiken, who rode a second-place finish on American Idol and a don’t-ask-don’t-tell sexuality to fame, fortune, and speculation, is twenty-nine today. The artist formerly known as Clayton Holmes Grissom will spend the day counting his blessings with “a special friend or two.” Meanwhile, Mr. Aiken’s rabid fans, his Claymates, will celebrate this Read More

Music

Amy Winehouse Cancels All Personal Hygiene Activities

philmaggitti 407 Views 2 min read

LONDON – Singer Amy Winehouse, 24, has announced that she is canceling all personal hygiene activities—even down to having her beehive steam cleaned—until her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is released from London’s Pentonville prison. Reading from a statement scribbled on a greasy fish-and-chips sack, Ms. Winehouse told reporters outside her house yesterday, “I can’t give it Read More

Sporting Life

All NFL Players Will Wear Sean Taylor’s Number

philmaggitti 370 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall announced today that all NFL players will wear slain Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor’s number on their jerseys in place of their own numbers for the remainder of the regular season. “The NFL is a family, dysfunctional or otherwise,” said Commissioner Goodall, “and when a family member dies, Read More

Sporting Life

McNabb Out of Patriots Game, Spread Falls to Sixteen

Biff Scuzzy 382 Views 1 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Las Vegas oddsmakers have reacted to the news that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss tomorrow night’s game against the undefeated New England patriots by dropping the spread on the game from twenty-four to sixteen points. “With Donovan out it’s a whole new dynamic,” said oddsmaker Vegas Vic. “The Eagles are a Read More

Celebrities

Vanessa Hudgens Launches Sex Video Hotline

Chip Hilton 412 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Now that High School Musical 3 is scheduled to begin filming next Valentine’s Day, Vanessa Hudgens, 18, has decided to put paid once and for all to the continuous rumors about the dozens of sex videos she is alleged to have made since her sixteenth birthday. The rumors began with the appearance of Open Me First two Read More

Culture

Rachael Ray Sex Videos, the Director’s Cuts, Available Friday

philmaggitti 398 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – The long-awaited director’s cuts of the Rachael Ray sex videos, “Thirty-Minute Ménages” and “Rachael Ray for $40 a Day,” will be available this Friday. These never-before-released, artisanal creations, packaged in a black-truffle-scented, box-set edition, contain roughly sixty-nine minutes of additional, lip-smacking footage. “Sometimes you just can’t get all the junk into your Read More

News

Salvation Army Surge Begins on Black Friday

Biff Scuzzy 409 Views 2 min read

ALEXANDRIA, Vir. – Inspired by reports touting the success of the military surge in Iraq, which is credited with driving an 8-percent increase in foot traffic and impulse buying at the Baghdad Mall, the Salvation Army has announced plans to roll out a similar strategy beginning on Black Friday. “If we’re going to win the Read More

Politics

President Bush Will Pardon Thanksgiving Tofurky

philmaggitti 474 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush will pardon the National Thanksgiving Tofurky in a ceremony to be televised tomorrow from the White House lawn. By pardoning the tofurky—which is made from a blend of wheat gluten, tofu, soy by-products, bran flakes, and “real turkey flavor”—the president hopes to demonstrate his commitment to the fight Read More

News

Wolf Blitzer Found Beaten After Presidential Debate

Biff Scuzzy 420 Views 2 min read

LAS VEGAS—CNN veteran newsman Wolf Blitzer was found bloody, naked, and unconscious in his dressing room last night following the Democratic presidential candidates’ debate at the University of Nevada. The grizzled, heavly tattooed Mr. Blitzer, who moderated last night’s gathering, was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he remained in guarded condition this morning. “As Read More

Celebrities

Boy George Accused of Foolish Imprisonment

Biff Scuzzy 417 Views 3 min read

LONDON – Pop swinger Boy George was charged with foolish imprisonment, careless whispers, and reckless misapplication of foodstuffs today. The legal action was brought as a result of a complaint lodged against Mr. George by a midget from The Long and Short of It, a male escort service popular with London hipsters and members of Read More

News

Conan O’Brien Stalker Reassigned by Vatican

philmaggitti 420 Views 2 min read

BOSTON – David Ajemian, the Roman Catholic priest who was arrested last week in New York for allegedly stalking Conan O’Brien, has been reassigned to the Vatican, a papal spokesman announced today. The Reverend Ajemian, better known as Father Flipper, will serve as the entertainment industry liaison under another well-known Boston-area prelate, Bernard Francis Cardinal Read More