LOS ANGELES – Former comedian Jerry Lewis apologized yesterday “to illiterates everywhere” for a remark he made during the 207th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon. “I apologize to the fifteen people who were still awake at that point in my telethon, which raised a record $63.7 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association,” said Read More
BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig (R-Teahouse) has retained Michael Vick’s attorney Billy Martin to represent him in a fight to clear his name and to regain his seat in the Senate. “My client did not technically engage in—nor does he actually condone—cockfighting,” declared Mr. Martin, “and I have to wonder why he is Read More
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Steve Irwin, famously known as the crocodile hunter; Brad Pitt, better known as Angelina Jolie’s bitch; and George W. Bush, often known as “numbnuts,” are the winners of the first Postcards from the Pug Bus Ass Hat of the Moment awards. Ordinarily there will be only one ass hat award per Read More
BOSTON – Angelina Jolie is losing mass and cooling off at a significant rate, observers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) report. Their findings, which appear in the current issue of the journal Science, suggest that Ms. Jolie will cease to be a major star if she continues to shrink and to lose temperature at Read More
LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears filed a petition in a Los Angeles court yesterday seeking to change the names of her sons to William and Harry. According to Herb Webberstein, an attorney for Ms. Spears, “Britney feels she made a mistake when she named her boys Sean Preston and Jayden James. “She actually approached me Read More
BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig says he plans to introduce legislation in Congress that will mandate the placement of toilet cams in all airport restrooms. In fact, the senator said in a press release yesterday, “I plan to make toilet cam legislation the centerpiece of my reelection campaign.” According to Senator Craig, every Read More
BOISE, Idaho – Senator Larry Craig assured his constituents, his god, and his family yesterday that he is not gay, but he does suffer from Gayrette’s Syndrome, “an unfortunate tendency” to act gay in public restrooms. “I am making this bold and courageous admission today so that other men with my condition—and it is a condition, not Read More
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Today’s dumb-ass Michael Vick sympathizer is Michel Martin, hostess of Tell Me More, a one-hour daily NPR news talk show. Ms. Martin, whose husband, Billy, is Michael Vick’s lawyer, said last night on the Bill Maher show that with so many murders in Philadelphia, Baltimore, Atlanta, and other cities, she wonders why Read More
KAJAKI, Afghanistan – A United States military commander in Afghanistan said yesterday that three British soldiers killed by “a friendly airstrike” on Thursday would still be alive today if “somebody hadn’t been talking on a cell phone when he shouldn’t have been.” According to Lieutenant General Rip Redstone, “A combat patrol is no place to Read More
FAIRFAX, Vir. – NRA president, Wayne LaPierre, assailed R.L. White, HMFIC and president of the NAACP’s Atlanta chapter, for suggesting that deer hunting is “just as bad as” dog fighting. “Mr. White’s comments are insulting and disgusting,” said Mr. LaPierre. “Obviously there is nothing a black person can do that is so heinous another black Read More
LUXEMBOURG – God has claimed full responsibility for the mysterious Skype outage that left an estimated five to six million of his subjects unable to make phone calls or to send instant messages via the popular Internet-based service last week. In an instant message sent to every Skype subscriber yesterday, god declared not only that Read More
NEW YORK – Computers at the campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani were used to make fifteen changes to Mr. Giuliani’s Wikipedia page last week, earning America’s Mayor the Virgil Griffith award for the period ending August 18. This soon-to-be-notorious award is named after Virgil Griffith, the CalTech graduate student who created Wikiscanner, a program that Read More
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI devoted his annual Easter address to a condemnation of the violence on HBO’s hit series The Sopranos and to a call for peace among the warring factions on the show, which, coincidentally, aired the first of its final nine episodes last night. The pope began by warning thousands of Christians assembled Read More
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – If it’s August, Lindsay Lohan is selling magazines for Elle. For the second August in a row another issue of Elle featuring the fully loaded Herbie star hits the newsstands, but what a difference a year makes. This time around Ms. Lohan is on the defensive, assuring Elle‘s readers not only that the paparazzi are Read More
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed her seventeenth child into the world at 10:01 a.m. Thursday at a Rogers, Arkansas, hospital. Said Jim Bob, a former state representative who now sells real estate, “We are just so grateful to god for another gift of life.” The Duggars, it turns out, should Read More
