postcards from the pug bus – Page 30 – lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

Paris Hilton Finds God in Jail, Starts Her Own Hotline

Chip Hilton 396 Views 5 min read

LOS ANGELES – Like many prisoners with time on their hands, Paris Hilton found god in jail. Ms. Hilton, 26, made the lord’s acquaintance in the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, California, where she served most of a twenty-three day sentence for violating the terms of her drunk-driving probation by operating a motor vehicle Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Blames Lack of Nudity for Movie Failure

philmaggitti 406 Views 3 min read

NEW ORLEANS – Angelina Jolie believes the decision to eliminate her nude, steamy sex scenes from A Mighty Heart “cost this extremely important, serious movie the audience that it and I deserved.” A Mighty Heart describes the search for Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, who was kidnapped and ultimately beheaded in Pakistan five years ago. An ardently sensitive film Read More

Politics

President Bush Unpopular Even Among Illegal Immigrants

Biff Scuzzy 457 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – The immigration debate, which has divided the Republican party, has divided illegal immigrants, too, with a slight majority of them believing President George W. Bush should be allowed to remain in the White House even though he “sneaked in through the back door.” By a six-to-five margin, illegal immigrants interviewed at rallies Read More

Celebrities Religion

Paris Hilton Interview Denied by Jesus

philmaggitti 416 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Hoping to preempt Paris Hilton’s sure-to-come assertion that it was her discovery of Jesus Christ, and Mr. Christ’s discovery of her, that got her through those long nights in prison, Mr. Christ has emailed a statement to the Los Angeles Times. The email, from [email protected], arrived at the newspaper’s editorial office late yesterday afternoon. Read More

Culture

Summer Solstice a Gas, Gas, Gas in Amish Country

philmaggitti 416 Views 2 min read

NEW HOLLAND, Penna. – Members of the Six-fingered Amish Church of the Propane Redeemer in New Holland, Pennsylvania, celebrated the Third Annual Summer Stoltzfus today. The celebration, which began at 2:46 a.m. and will last until sundown, is designed to counteract the “pagan influence” of Summer Solstice festivals held across the United States. The venerable Read More

News

Queen Elizabeth 2 Moving to Dubai

Chip Hilton 409 Views 2 min read

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates – Queen Elizabeth 2, the majestic traveler who inspired millions of people around the world during her fifty-five year reign, has been sold to a Dubai-owned company for $100 million. Istithmar, the state-owned company that purchased QE2, as she is known to her many admirers, plans to restore the venerable monarch Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears News Blackout Urged by Satire Website

Chip Hilton 402 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania’s leading celebrity satire website, has called for a Britney Spears news blackout. Site founder and editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, threw down the gauntlet yesterday afternoon, frightening his Boston terrier and nearly spilling a tall decaf latte in the process. “We haven’t written about Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Drinking Guide

Biff Scuzzy 471 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan and her culturally challenged publicity whore of a mother are gearing up to celebrate the younger Lohan’s coming of age, a rite of passage to be observed with all the pomp and circumstance befitting an event of its stature on July 2 through 6 at Caesars Palace’s Pure nightclub in Read More

News Politics

Sopranos Ending Debated by Republican Presidential Candidates

philmaggitti 437 Views 3 min read

QUEENS, N.Y. – The ending of “Made in America,” the final episode of The Sopranos, was the sole topic of discussion last night at a debate among the Republican presidential candidates. The freewheeling, one-hour discussion, moderated by William F. Buckley Jr., was held on a darkened HBO sound stage at an undisclosed location. The candidates were Read More

Culture

Tony Soprano Sighting Reported in New Jersey

Chip Hilton 433 Views 2 min read

NEWARK, N.J. – Tony Soprano was sighted late Tuesday night leaving Satin Dolls, the gentlemen’s club on Route 17 in Lodi, New Jersey, where scenes that took place at the Bada Bing strip joint in The Sopranos had been filmed. “He looked good, man,” said Mario Fenestra, who reported the sighting to the Newark Star Ledger, the newspaper Read More

Culture

A&E Promises Better Sopranos Ending

philmaggitti 433 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – An executive for the A&E Television Network promises that its version of The Sopranos final episode, “Made in America,” originally broadcast on HBO last Sunday, “will be much more satisfying” than David Chase’s ambiguous closing that left so many viewers with their skivvies up their cracks. “This is still a Christian nation, thank God,” Read More

Politics

President Bush Taps Jessica Simpson for Educational Position

philmaggitti 444 Views 4 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – When President Bush returns to Washington early this week, he is expected to name Jessica Simpson as the face of his newest educational initiative: No Child Left Unpaid. Desperate to claim any success before his administration is consigned to the shitheap of history, and to demonstrate that he, too, can nail celebrity Read More

Celebrities

Paris Hilton’s Medical Condition a Gripping Saga

Biff Scuzzy 351 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – A mysterious medical condition made Paris Hilton “a danger to herself and to other inmates” at the Century Regional Detention Facility, said Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, who ordered Ms. Hilton released from jail yesterday after she had served barely three days of a twenty-three-day sentence for violating the conditions of Read More

Technology

Microsoft Acquires Open Source Christian Software

philmaggitti 429 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft’s co-founder Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama’s Silicone Holler. The company produces “open source salvation software for Jesus geeks.” Gates also announced that Read More

Culture

Rudy Giuliani Dies in Sopranos Final Episode

philmaggitti 390 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Republican presidential candidate Rudolph “Rudy the Skull” Giuliani meets an untimely fate in the final episode of The Sopranos. The former New York mayor is gunned down while dining at Umberto’s, a restaurant popular with mobsters, in the city’s Little Italy section. According to Ralph “Jimmy the Fish” Pescatore, who portrays Mr. Giuliani Read More