LOS ANGELES – A tearful Pamela Anderson wrote on her website yesterday that no matter how many times she married Kid Rock, he came up short in the end compared to Tommy Lee.
“I began to have my suspicions after our first wedding, the one on the yacht off St Tropez on July 29,” wrote Ms. Anderson. “When Bobby—that’s Kid Rock’s real first name, you know—brought me breakfast in bed the next morning, he buttered my toast with actual butter instead of soy butter. I almost gagged, not only from the rancid taste of the butter but also from Bobby’s lack of consideration for my animal rights views. Tommy never would have forgotten such an important thing like that. He always supported me.”
According to Ms. Anderson, she thought a second marriage might help paper over the cracks in her first one to Mr. Rock, so she married the singer again, this time in Beverly Hills on August 3. Once more, however, I do quickly turned to You didn’t when Ms. Anderson discovered the following morning that there was honey in the tea Mr. Rock had prepared for her.
“Bobby knows how I feel about the dominant culture’s shameful exploitation of bees for their honey,” wrote Ms. Anderson. “How could he have put honey in my tea? That was so hurtful. Tommy never forgot the little things. Never.”
Because she believes marriage should be forever, Ms. Anderson tied the knot with Mr. Rock a third time, in Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge in Nashville on August 17. Unfortunately the third time wasn’t the charm.
“Bobby came to bed that night wearing a fur lined speedo,” sobbed Ms. Anderson. “When I asked him why he would do such a thing, he just laughed. Then I asked him why he thought a normally shy person like myself would have posed naked in Stella McCartney’s shop window as part of an anti-fur campaign. He was like, ‘for the publicity?’ That’s when I knew he couldn’t be half the man Tommy is.”
Apparently believing half a Tommy Lee was better than nothing, Ms. Anderson married Mr. Rock again, on October 27 at his estate in northern Oakland County, Michigan. When the groom hosted a canned hunt on this estate the following weekend, Ms. Anderson knew she was stuck between Kid Rock and a hard place.
“He shot himself in the foot, plain and simple,” said Ms. Anderson’s good friend Ingrid Newkirk, co-founder of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).
In related news, lawyers for Ms. Anderson and Mr. Rock said the couple filed divorce papers separately yesterday in the Los Angeles Superior Court. An additional filing is expected in Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge during open mic night next Tuesday. No filing is necessary for the St. Tropez wedding because it was officiated by Courtney Love, who had been defrocked the night before the ceremony. As for the Oakland County, Michigan, filing, “That will have to wait until after huntin’ season,” said Nate Seeger, clerk of courts for Oakland County.
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