LONDON – Actress Pamela Anderson, who is thirty-nine today, admitted she was promoting more than one cause when she stripped in the window of designer Stella McCartney’s Mayfair boutique in support of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal’s campaign against the use of fur in fashion.
“Of course I was there to help PETA and to protest the use of fur by skanks like J.Lo and Beyonce,” said Ms. Anderson, “but I was also there to call attention to AMASS.”
Ms. Anderson suffers from the heartbreak of AMASS (acute mammary appendage skewed syndrome). She has emerged as the leading spokesperson for this condition since her diagnosis was reported first in these pages last year.
According to Ms. Anderson, AMASS strikes as many as 41 percent of all women above the age of thirty-five. Although AMASS is not life threatening, if it is left untreated, it can cause not only social embarrassment but also scoliosis of the spine, distorted cleavage, compensatory leg lengthening, and uneven shoe wear.
Ms. Anderson, as the photos on this page sadly illustrate, is afflicted with port (left-hand side) AMASS. The disproportionate weight of her left breast causes her torso, neck, and head to tilt precariously toward port, despite her attempt at correcting the condition by carrying a sack filled with cement on her starboard (right-hand) shoulder.
“This tragic presenting condition is all too familiar among otherwise attractive women,” said Todd Millwerk, M.D., a leading authority on AMASS.
Dr. Millwerk urges women to have their breasts measured each time they have a mammogram. In addition, rough breast measurements can be taken at home or in a doctor’s office by using an adjustable baseball cap.
According to American Medical Association guidelines, the threshold for AMASS is reached if one breast is more than 6.5 percent larger in circumference than the other. Although some doctors want that threshold lowered to 5 percent, all practitioners agree that women who exceed the present benchmark ought to seek medical assistance.
That assistance, Millwerk explained, “generally translates into monolateral breast augmentation or reduction,” depending on the patient’s preference. In Ms. Anderson’s case, obviously, port-side reduction is recommended. Otherwise she runs the risk of developing a hunchback.
Medical science is at a loss to explain the etiology of AMASS. Early studies indicated that women who sleep on one side develop AMASS in the breast opposite the side on which they sleep. Other studies suggest that women develop AMASS in the breast opposite their significant other’s favored hand. Thus, women with right-handed significant others develop AMASS in their left breasts and vice versa. Dr. Millwerk points out that additional studies are needed before an definitive etiology can be described with any degree of certitude.
In other news, Democrats assailed President Bush for “co-opting the Elvis card” by taking Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi on a tour of Graceland.
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