HOLLYWOOD – Spokespersons for Paris Hilton claim that the controversial celebutant will be “wholly and entirely exonerated” of allegations that she was drunk when she urinated in a taxi cab during a recent vacation on Maui.
According to Ms. Hilton’s publicists, the towel a cab driver says he used to clean up after Ms. Hilton will be “his own undoing.”
“The contents of that towel constitute a legally admissible sobriety test,” said Stavros Kalamati, a spokesman for Ms. Hilton. “She might just as well have peed in a jar and left that in the cab. When the towel is analyzed, the evidence will show that my client was sober when she rode in the cab.”
The taxi cab driver at the center of the Hilton maelstrom, one Harden Jamison, told the National Enquirer that Ms. Hilton was so drunk she didn’t notice she had wet herself in his cab as he was driving Ms. Hilton and her boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos, back to their hotel after a party on Maui. Mr. Jamison said he plans to use Ms. Hilton’s DNA as evidence against her when he sues the hotel heiress to reclaim the cost of cleaning and defumigating his cab—and to reclaim his lost income as well.
Mr. Jamison said he decided to go public with his story after being threatened by several of Ms. Hilton’s associates, who suggested that he could make more money auctioning bits of the towel on eBay than he could by suing Ms. Hilton.
Mr. Kalamati hinted that if Mr. Jamison did not drop his charges against Ms. Hilton, she would be forced to counter sue for slander.
“My client’s reputation is her fortune, and vice versa” said Mr. Kalamati. “She cannot allow people to damage that reputation for their own material gain.”
In other news, sources close to the White House say that President Bush will back off his request that search engine giant Google provide White House attorneys with a random list of one million people who used Goggle to search for pornography. According to those sources, Mr. Bush will make the surprising move at the request of Vice President Cheney, who fears that his name could appear hundreds of times on such a list.
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