LOS ANGELES – A mysterious medical condition made Paris Hilton “a danger to herself and to other inmates” at the Century Regional Detention Facility, said Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, who ordered Ms. Hilton released from jail yesterday after she had served barely three days of a twenty-three-day sentence for violating the conditions of her probation.
Sheriff Baca declined to say whether Ms. Hilton’s condition was mental or physical, but he did observe, “It isn’t wise to keep a person in jail with her problem over an extended period of time.”
Therefore, he sent Ms. Hilton home on the condition that she spend the next forty days under house arrest.
The sheriff’s decision did not please many persons beyond Ms. Hilton’s entourage. The sheriff’s deputies union, members of the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors, Al Sharpton and other civil rights leaders, defense attorneys, and Mothers Against Drunk Drivers all issued statements essentially calling Sheriff Baca a celebrity-sniffing dickhead.
“What transpired here is outrageous,” said county supervisor Don Knabe, who claimed to have received more than four hundred angry emails and hundreds of phone calls from around the country. (Anyone wishing to add his or her voice to the din should phone the “Compliments & Complaints” number of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department (323.526.5541).
According to a source at Century Regional Detention Facility, Ms. Hilton’s cell was quarantined immediately following her release, and a team of hazardous materials specialists from the Los Angeles County Fire Department is scheduled to inspect the premise later today. This news led to speculation that Ms. Hilton, who has long been suspected of harboring the mother of all herpes infections, may be sitting on something even more lethal.
Among the most frequently cited possibilities mentioned to a THEM Weekly reporter who visited a number of trendy Los Angeles clubs last night were crabs, radioactive hair-extension lice, bubonic herpes, multiple drug withdrawal, acute anal leakage, a severely prolapsed rectum, chronic inverted nipples, and “the bitch can’t stand to be alone with herself.
In related news, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer, who handed down Ms. Hilton’s original sentence, will preside over a hearing at 9:00 a.m. (PST) this morning. The hearing, which Ms. Hilton is required to attend, was called at the request of the Los Angeles city attorney, who wants Ms. Hilton returned to jail and Sheriff Lee Baca cited for contempt of court.
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