LONDON – A bitter Paul McCartney has finally taken the rag out of his mouth, ending a self-imposed gag order regarding his estranged wife, Heather Mills. During the weekend, the former cute Beatle spoke with Flora duMal of The Daily Mirror at Abbey Road studios, where he is recording “She Used to Do It in the Road,” a song he described as “a comeback” single.
“My accountants have worked it out that my ‘marriage’ cost me £696 an hour, not to mention my left nut, for the time I was being cuckolded by that bitch,” said Mr. McCartney. “I think I’ve bought myself the right to get a few things off my chest, and to earn a few quid in the process.”
According to Mr. McCartney, he was “too besotted by over-the-moon sex” to notice the obvious signs that Ms. Mills had been “nothing more than an expensive, one-legged hooker” before and after he married her.
“I mean, how many crips have a trophy case full of prosthetic legs signed by the likes of Duran Duran, Simply Red, Aerosmith, and all the straight members Queen, for fuck’s sake? How pussy whipped was I to buy the explanation that the signatures were collected following silent auctions at charity events?”
Indeed, Mr. McCartney’s willingness to accept the most preposterous excuses from Ms. Mills buggers the imagination. He believed, for example, that she wore double jointed prosthetic legs when she was single because they helped her to keep her balance. He also believed that the woman in a popular series of hardcore sex manuals who looked exactly like Ms. Mills, right down to a birthmark in the shape of a penis head on her upper left thigh, was her estranged twin sister.
Most surprisingly, when Mr. McCartney noticed Ms. Mills’ cell phone number written on the walls of several VIP airport lounges, he chose to believe it had been written there by fur industry operatives who were out to undermine the work she did for PETA.
“I was such a wet,” said Mr. McCartney, “but that was yesterday, and yesterday’s gone.”
With that he finished off his pint, escorted Ms. duMal from the studio, gave her a hearty pat on the bum, and said, “You ought to come up and see my etchings sometime.”
In related news, Victoria’s Secret will introduce a new line of edible prosthetic legs in its Fall 2007 catalog. Called the Mills Tone, the legs will be available in seasoned tofu, dark (milk free) chocolate, and faux snapping turtle flavors.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
