LONDON – Paul McCartney is so keen to be shed of Heather Mills that he has dropped his request for joint custodial oversight of Ms. Mills’ breasts and a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule.
“My client is prepared to quit his claims of alienation of affection and emotional deprivation if that will help to put paid to this unfortunate marriage,” said Mr. McCartney’s chief solicitor, Fiona Shackleton. One of Britain’s most feared divorce lawyers, Ms. Shackleton is a senior partner at Payne Hicks Beach, the firm that represented Prince Charles in his 1996 divorce from Princess Diana and her royal box.
Anthony Julius, one of the attorneys for Ms. Mills, scoffed at Mr. McCartney’s “sudden willingness” to withdraw his request for joint custodial oversight of Ms. Mills’ breasts.
“This is yet another manifestation of Mr. McCartney’s delusional sense of entitlement,” said Mr. Julius, who is a member of law firm that wrested a £17-million settlement from Prince Charles.
The chief sticking point in what the tabloids have been calling Hootergate is the size of the breasts in contention. Mr. McCartney’s suit described the breasts as “virtually irreplaceable—milky white, pleasingly formed, pendulous without being saggy, and roughly 38-DD in volume.”
“Sounds as if Sir Paul’s been smoking the twisted cigarettes again,” laughed Mr. Julius. “My client measures no more than 36-C.” Mr. Julius did grudgingly admit, however, that Mr. McCartney had gotten the “milky white, pleasingly formed bits” correct.
Nonetheless, Mr. Julius was amused by Mr. McCartney’s request for unsupervised visitation privileges.
“In consideration of my client’s allegations of physical abuse, she’d have to be crackers to allow her breasts to spend time alone with her estranged husband.”
Friends of Mr. McCartney’s and Ms. Mills’ have, predictably, chosen sides in this matter.
“He’s being something of a hypocrite,” said Juliet Gellatley, founder of the animal rights charity Viva. “How can he accuse Heather of unreasonable behaviour after writing all those songs about her?”
The songs to which Ms. Gellatley referred can be found on Driving Rain and Chaos and Creation in the Backyard. The odes to Heather on these albums, particularly the execrable “Jenny Wren,” make Mr. McCartney’s lame musical tributes to his previous wife, Linda Eastman, seem like the work of Shelly by comparison.
Musician Jeff Lynne, a former member of The Traveling Wilburys, said he wasn’t surprised that Mr. McCartney no longer has a proprietary interest in his wife’s hooters.
“Paul’s been so over those puppies ever since he began seeing Renee Zellweger,” laughed Mr. Lynne. “Renee’s got globes that just won’t quit. Ask Damien Rice, Jack White, or Kenny Chesney if you don’t believe me.”
In related news, Heather Mills McCartney has charged that her estranged husband’s vegetarianism is “a sham.” The one-time stripper and lap dancer maintains that Sir Paul, as he insisted she call him, “fancied eating steak and kidney pie off my bare arse when he was stoned, which generally coincided with his being awake.”
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