LONDON – In a recent study conducted by the National Centre for Social Research, nine out of ten Britons were unable to identify Pippa Middleton’s ass in a mock police lineup. The 587 randomly selected individuals who took part in the study ranged in age from twenty-one to sixty-five.
The group included men, women, gays, lesbians, transgenders, and four German shepherd seeing eye dogs, who ranged from twenty-one to sixty-five in dog years.
“We were gobsmacked at the results,” said Alison Park, editor of British Social Attitudes. “Apart from the image of the queen, we believed that Pippa’s bottom was this country’s foremost cultural icon. Perhaps we were given the bum’s rush in that regard.”
Participants in the test were shown the backs of Pippa Middleton and four other women—presented from their shoulders to their knees—on a Mitsubishi 32″ LCD monitor with remote control. Participants were able to view the women in the lineup as a group or individually and were also able to zoom in on the haunches of individual suspects, all of whom wore a white dress identical to the one that Pippa wore when she created a royal distraction the day her sister, Kate, married Prince William. In addition to Ms. Middleton, the other suspects in the lineup were Emma Watson, Kate Moss, Adele, and Helen Mirren.
After seventeen participants had been eliminated from the study for inappropriate behavior—six for texting, three for eating pork scratchings, five for masturbating, two for falling asleep, and one dog for trying to mount the computer monitor—only 10 percent of the remaining participants correctly identified Pippa’s ass. The lion’s share of the votes went to Helen Mirren (38 percent), Emma Watson (26 percent), Kate Moss (19 percent), and Adele (7 percent).
Ms. Park was at a loss to interpret the results.
“I can understand the dogs being at a disadvantage because they couldn’t use their noses, and I can accept that Emma Watson’s and Kate Moss’s butts might confuse some persons; but Helen Mirren and Adele? Were 45 percent of our subjects legally blind? Helen’s ass is so withered her wrinkles fairly showed through her dress, and Adele’s butt is big enough for Prince Harry to land a helicopter on.”
Ms, Park revealed that gay men outperformed straight men and women in the study, and significantly outperformed lesbians.
“I suspect that lesbians of a certain age, many of whom have weight issues, accounted for the majority of the Adele vote,” she added.
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