LONDON – When former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko died of radioactive poisoning two weeks ago, his face was a moonscape of festering boils, his eyes glowed in the dark like a cat’s, and his urine sent up clouds of hissing, odiferous steam when it hit the bowl.
At first British medical authorities mistook these symptoms for Keith Richards disease and attempted to treat Mr. Litvinenko with blood transfusions.
“We have successfully treated Mr. Richards and others with these symptoms in the past,” said Geoffrey Sutherlund, HMFIC, chief of surgery at King’s College Hospital. “Generally these ailments are brought on by the excessive consumption of Grey Goose vodka.”
Grey Goose, “the best-tasting vodka in the world,” is produced by a patented filtration process that utilizes a deactivated, modified-live strain of polonium-210, the rare and highly radioactive metalloid found in Mr. Litvinenko’s body. Polonium, also known as Radium FU, was discovered by Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, in 1898. It (polonium) was later named after Ms. Curie’s native land, Poland (Latin: Polonia). Radium FU was so named because “it leaves a person well and truly screwed up,” said Dr. Sutherland.
After Mr. Litvinenko did not respond to three blood transfusions—and his explosive diarrhea had worsened to an extent that required his removal to a large animal veterinary clinic for observation—doctors at King’s College Hospital began to suspect he might have been poisoned, though they still hadn’t a clue by what.
It wasn’t until Mr. Litvinenko began oozing rancid pus from his nostrils and ears—and his left testicle had swollen to the size of a football—that doctors were able to make a definitive diagnosis.
“The left testicle was the tip-off,” said Dr. Sutherland. “The mere presence of rancid pus—or the yellow matter custard dripping from his dead-dog eyes, let’s not forget—might still have been symptomatic of other illnesses, George Michael syndrome, for example. But there has never been a case of hideously swollen testicle and pus effusion that didn’t point to polonium poisoning. The clincher, as if we needed one, was the persistently high sex drive that made Mr. Litvinenko a caution to medicate.”
In other news, a representative for Vince Vaughn denied that the actor had been exposed to polonium-210 while making a film in London recently.
“Vince did need a booster shot because we thought he might have been exposed to an STD when Jennifer Aniston visited him in October,” said the representative.
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