VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI devoted his annual Easter address to a condemnation of the violence on HBO’s hit series The Sopranos and to a call for peace among the warring factions on the show, which, coincidentally, aired the first of its final nine episodes last night.
The pope began by warning thousands of Christians assembled in St. Peter’s Square that there were “plot spoilers” in his address, then he decried the continuing bloodshed on the series.
“I am saddened when brother-in-law is pitted against brother-in-law,” said the pope in a reference to the beat down Bobby Bacala administered to Tony Soprano in last night’s episode.
“When Tony continued to mock his sister Janice for giving oral sex to the sons of men under the boardwalk in New Jersey, Mr. Bacala was presented with an opportunity to turn his wife’s other cheek. Instead he sucker punched Tony in his.
“Rather than use the final episodes to preach hope and reconciliation, the creators of The Sopranos chose to have Mr. Bacala, who had never taken a life before, kill a man in Montreal to appease Tony.”
A few people in the crowd covered their ears with their hands, but the pope pressed on, urging the faithful to pray for “a miracle” for Tony Soprano before it’s too late.
“Despite the violence and death that are sure to come, there is still time for The Sopranos to embrace a Christian ethic,” said the pope. “Indeed, the ignominious death of Johnny Sack in prison in episode two is a beacon of light. Let us pray that Tony will walk in that light and call off the hit on his son as well as the hits on Christopher Moltisanti and Phil Leotardo.”
At this point cries of basta (enough) could be heard throughout the crowd, and a few people began making their way out of the square.
The pope, sensing that he might be losing his audience, launched into a more general discussion of family values and the “scandalous behavior” of the Bada Bing dancers, but not until he had condemned Meadow Soprano for having an abortion in episode three.
In other news, Britney Spears has ditched troubled singer Howie Day for Los Angeles Laker forward Luke Walton.
“Most of the losers I’ve been with recently dribble before they shoot,” laughed Ms. Spears, “so I figured I might as well get me somebody who looks good in baggy shorts.”
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