ROME – This time last year the late Pope John Paul II appeared to be on the fast track to sainthood. Reports of two miracles alleged to have occurred at the pontiff’s tomb had Catholics the world over declaring that sainthood for their beloved pontiff was a done deal. In a cruel twist of fate, however, the Vatican quietly announced yesterday that the alleged miracles were not so miraculous after all.
In discredited miracle 1, a woman from Turin who couldn’t find her car keys took the train to Rome to view the pope’s tomb. While she was standing in line waiting to buy a ticket to see the tomb, she found her car keys in her purse.
“It’s a miracle, it’s a miracle,” she cried before slumping to the ground in a dead faint.
The woman, Isabella Porticini, 49, became a legend in Turin. Soon the lame, the halt, and the indigent were sleeping on the lawn in front of the modest villa she shares with her husband, Umberto.
Several months later Ms. Porticini was vacuuming under the bed when she found a set of car keys. She realized to her dismay that the keys she had found in Rome were the spare set of keys she keeps in her purse—not the prodigal keys, as she had thought.
In discredited miracle 2, a man from Naples who had not had sex with his wife for sixteen years reported that as he and his wife were standing in line to visit the pope’s tomb, she took him by the hand and suggested they go back to their hotel.
The lucky man, Marcello Bondolini, 52, was the envy of several of his friends, who were left standing in the crowded line. When Mr. Bondolini got back to his hotel, however, his luck evaporated. His wife rushed into the bathroom, where she remained for the better part of two days, which Mr. Bondolini spent lighting aromatic candles in the tiny hotel room.
Unwilling to admit to his friends that his miracle had gone down the toilet, Mr. Bondolini spun an elaborate tale of lust in the afternoon, a tale so lurid that some of his friends began pestering their wives to accommodate them in the way Mrs. Bondolini had accommodated Marcello in Rome.
Several days later, wearing a bandage on his head and struggling to walk without limping, Mr. Bondolini was obliged to recant his story in front of his entire bocce club and the ladies auxiliary.
In other news, Tom Cruise announced yesterday that he had instructed his unborn child, Hubbard Mapother Cruise, to remain silent while being delivered so as not to inflict damage on Katie Holmes’ reactive mind.
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