WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush has warned Americans that the Memorial Day cell phone virus, the most virulent in-the-wild mobile phone virus yet discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teenagers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging vacationers across the land. During his weekly radio address yesterday, the president hinted that the Memorial Day virus (MDV) may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, and the American way—either that or Catherine Zeta Jones is responsible.
“Our constitutional right to free speech and free minutes is under attack,” said the president. “We are the target of a godless power that hates us because of our dedication to the Family Plan.”
The MDV was first discovered last week by the night janitor at E.T. Phone Home, a technology boutique in Santa Monica, California. Jason Fetters, 22, had just finished vacuuming near a display case containing mobile phones when a Nokia 8120 suddenly emitted a garish blue light and began playing Green Day’s “American Idiot” ring tone at ear-shattering volume.
“I was like, ‘Whoa, dude, maybe I shouldn’t have done that last bong hit before I came to work,’ you know,” said Fetters, a speech-and-communication major at Santa Monica Community College.
After local police had subdued the phone, it was air lifted to Stanford University’s mobile electronics lab in Palo Alto, where scientists grilled the phone intensely for twenty-four hours.
“I can’t tell you how we got the phone to talk, but eventually it spilled its guts,” said chief interrogator Jacquin Spinoza, Ph.D. “I can say that the MDV functions only when a mobile phone is turned on. Somebody in the store must have been playing with the phone and then returned it to the display case without turning it off.”
According to Spinoza, the MDV is one of the long-feared “breakout” viruses, which are particularly dangerous because they don’t depend on shoddy Microsoft code in order to survive and prosper. The MDV spreads from one phone to another during conversations exceeding one minute or text-messaging sessions in which the letters u and r (either upper- or lower-case) replace the words you are.
Among its more dastardly effects, the MDV replaces ring tones with Green Day’s “American Idiot,” R.E.M.’s “The Final Straw,” Rage Against the Machine’s “Street Fighting Man,” and other anti-establishment ring tones.
The MDV is also capable of increasing ring tone volume, increasing silent vibrator frequency, flooding an inbox with anti-war text messages, over-reporting anytime-minute usage, forwarding calls to the White House, and creating random conference calls in order to thwart government eavesdropping.
“Like I was talking to my connection last night, you know,” said Fetters, “when all of a sudden, like, my father and my parole officer were patched into the conversation. Pretty scary, dude.”
In other news, the city of Shiloh, Tennessee, has declared yesterday a civic holiday in celebration of the fact that Angelina Jolie named her first un-adopted baby Shiloh.
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