WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that his plans to call up selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq and Afghanistan did not amount to a backdoor draft.
In response to a question from CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, the president declared, “How can this be a backdoor draft? These units are already in the army, aren’t they?”
The designated Salvation Army units—the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade—will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed.
“The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I,” said the president, “but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. That’s why I authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty.”
The president declined to comment on rumors that a special suicide brigade of the Salvation Army, equipped with explosive devices in its kettles, was being trained to canvass and destroy known al-Qaeda strongholds.
Generally embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army.
“Do I think this is a good idea?” asked Mr. Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. “Of course I do. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, ‘One sugar or two?'”
John Carsson, the Salvation Army’s five-star general, also endorsed the mobilization. Mr. Carrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army’s private jet, while on his way to South Asia.
“I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ,” he said. “I’m happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme.”
The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on September 4. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie’s Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer.
In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army “was not up to fighting right now, as we’re still mourning the loss of our commander, my late father.”
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