WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented step the White House released a classified report detailing the results of an eavesdropping campaign conducted in an Internet chat room. The chat room (www.letsgetsirius.org) is frequented by dog-loving singles looking to sniff out new partners for “romps on the beach” or “quiet nights in front of the fireplace.”
Known as Operation Leg Up, the two-month spying operation was conducted by the president himself, who used the code name commander_1 to make the acquaintance of dozens of dog lovers.
The White House said it was releasing the classified report, “How to Tell If the Person You’re Talking to in a Chat Room Is Really a Dog,” in order to demonstrate the potential peace time applications of spying on U.S. citizens.
“On the Internet no one knows you’re a dog,” said presidential press secretary Scott McClellan, echoing a line from a classic New Yorker cartoon.
“Obviously people should be told that a rendezvous at the Hour Glass Motel with somebody named The Love Muffin, whom they’ve just met online, isn’t a four-star idea,” said McClellan.
“Nevertheless once a person has internalized that bit of personal-safety advice, she or he still faces an overriding challenge: How does one separate the men from the mutts, the women from the woofers, online? How do you avoid the embarrassment of showing at a restaurant only to find that the person you’re supposed to meet there is drinking from a bowl?”
McClellan said the release of the Operation Leg Up report should quiet “liberal criticism” of the president’s spying initiative.
“If you haven’t got anything to hide, why should you care if we listen to your conversations?” McClellan asked.
He read the following list of clues that a “person” in a chat room might actually be a dog then left without taking any questions.
11. Chatroom name is Max or Lady.
10. Insists on meeting in PetSmart instead of restaurant.
9. Lists height as twenty-eight inches at the shoulders.
8. Wants to know how old you are in dog years.
7. Thinks the “pause” button on the keyboard is misspelled.
6. Asks repeatedly if you’ve been fixed.
5. Acts weird about exchanging photos.
4. Just had the entire house re-roofed for $100.
3. Wants you to sign petition to bring back the Taco Bell dog.
2. Can’t understand why people make such a fuss about sextuplets.
1. Shows unusual interest in schedule of “the e-mailman.
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