WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush and Verizon Wireless are expected to announce at a joint news conference today that the president will take the place of Paul Marcarelli, the long-time advertising face of Verizon, in a new series of commercials.
The company is also expected to announce that it is changing its much-parodied slogan from “Can you hear me now?” to “We Can Hear You Now.”
The Bush-Verizon alliance, which will be known as the “Embedded with Americans” campaign, is the first step in an aggressive PR blitz the White House is mounting in an effort to win public support for the president’s expanded domestic spying initiative. The partnership also marks the first time the government has invoked the “commercial eminent domain” provision of the Patriot Act, which allows the president to take over an advertising campaign and “employ it for the public good without the public’s knowledge for as long as the president shall deem appropriate.”
“The president intends to leave no phone unturned in an effort to make America safe from terrorists,” said White House press secretary Scott McClellan. “We will tap them at the beaches, we will tap them in the streets. We will send them a message that says, you can talk but you cannot hide.”
The first in the series of Verizon commercials featuring President Bush is expected to air on Christmas day during the Los Angeles Lakers-Miami Heat game. In that thirty-second spot a man standing in front of the ice cream section in a supermarket takes a cell phone out of his pocket and dials a number.
“Did you say to get Haagen-Dazs mint chocolate chip or Edy’s rocky road?” he asks.
Before the person on the other end of the line can answer, President Bush appears in the aisle holding a cell phone to his ear. He smirks knowingly and says, “We can hear you now—heh, heh, heh.”
As the startled shopper watches the president swagger past, Bush can be heard saying in a voiceover, “I am President George W. Bush, and I must approve your messages.”
Next Oprah: Is Harry Potter a Racist?
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
