WASHINGTON, D.C. – A high-level source in the White House, speaking on condition of anonymity, has revealed that President Bush will announce in a major television address tomorrow night that he is withdrawing the serial comma from the Federal Elements of Style.
Consequently, as of December 24, writers employed in any government office will not be allowed to use the serial comma in official federal documents.
The president’s announcement comes at a time when his approval ratings are at an all-time low and a majority of the American people say they do not believe he has a plan to employ the serial comma effectively.
“The president never has ‘gotten’ the serial comma and neither have a large number of writers on the government payroll,” said the White House source. “He feels that the price of staying the course in support of the serial comma, which would involve costly tutoring and the training and maintenance of added divisions of copyeditors, cannot be justified at a time when so many writers misuse the serial comma at will—often in the same document.”
In order to put a positive spin on his decision—and to avoid creating the impression that he is caving in to critics of the serial comma such as senators Ted Kennedy and John Kerry—the president will reportedly declare “mission accomplished” when he announces the withdrawal of the serial comma tomorrow night. According to a leaked copy of his address, the president will announce: “The serial comma has faithfully discharged the duties it was sent to perform. We can ask no greater sacrifice than the service it has rendered. Furthermore, we believe that writers have been sufficiently trained to perform their duties without it.”
While liberals said the president’s decision has long been overdue—and some complained that it was made with both eyes on the midterm elections—conservatives reacted with dismay at the news. Senator Bill Frist, who is expected to run for president in 2008, blasted the president for giving into “those elements” that would weaken the federal government.
“How can we be sure that our intended meaning is safe if the president withdraws this crucial defender against confusion,” asked Frist. “First we allow nail clippers on airplanes, now we disallow the serial comma. Where is this going to end? The mandatory use of the comma splice?”
“Those who shun the serial comma ought to be hunted down and assassinated,” declared Pat Robertson to his 700 Club audience.
In related news: The president is also expected to announce that the relaxation of the rules pertaining to the use of the serial comma will apply to documents produced in this country only. Any U.S. military personnel engaged in writing bogus “progress reports” from Iraq for subscription-only, happy-news websites—and any Iraqi journalist fabricating pro-U.S. articles for hire—may still employ the serial comma.
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