WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush will pardon the National Thanksgiving Tofurky in a ceremony to be televised tomorrow from the White House lawn.
By pardoning the tofurky—which is made from a blend of wheat gluten, tofu, soy by-products, bran flakes, and “real turkey flavor”—the president hopes to demonstrate his commitment to the fight against global warming.
“Tofurkys are raised organically on free-range, solar-powered farms where they are able to reproduce naturally,” said President Bush in a prepared statement.
“There’s less waste in producing a tofurky and less waste in consuming one,” continued the president, who revealed that his favorite part of the tofurky is the pope’s nose.
Following tomorrow’s ceremony Feathers, this year’s national Thanksgiving tofurky, will be sent to the Smithsonian Institute. There it will be polyurethaned and used as a doorstop.
In related news, President Bush declined a request to pardon a turducken, a novelty foodstuff in which a chicken is crammed inside a duck, which, in turn, is crammed inside a turkey.
“The Bible warns us against genetic engineering,” said the president. “Besides, how did the chicken get inside the duck in the first place? The Bible also warns us against sodomy, you know.”
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