WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama warned yesterday that the United States faces “a critical shortfall of gravity” brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past.
“The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity,” the president explained.
“The air travel involved in last year’s presidential campaign alone consumed more gravity than the entire 18th century. If we don’t do something about conserving gravity, the day will come when we are unable to enjoy a simple game of basketball.”
In fact, the president first became concerned about gravity while he was playing basketball in Chicago last month.
“My J was falling short,” said the president. “It kept hitting the front of the rim. I couldn’t have beaten Stevie Wonder in a game of H-O-R-S-E the way I was shooting.”
After a few sessions with his shooting coach, President Obama began to worry that there might be a more serious reason for his shooting slump than “not getting enough air” under his jump shot. That suspicion was stoked by the discovery of a shoebox full of unopened correspondence in former President Bush’s private study.
The letters in the shoebox were from the American Society for the Preservation of Gravity (ASPG), which had been urging President Bush repeatedly to take immediate steps to reduce this nation’s alarming rate of gravity consumption.
ASPG president, Leyland P. Moser, now sixty-six, warned the former president that unless the United States moves quickly to curtail its runaway consumption of gravity, “we could face disastrous consequences–among them the disappearance of the forward pass from football and the demise of the trampoline industry.” On the plus side, wrote the droll Mr. Moser, “People will literally be able to piss up a rope.”
Moser, who does not fly or use air mail, never got the meeting he had requested from President Bush, but President Obama vows to correct that omission.
“The next time I’m in Chicago,” the president said, “I plan to bike out to the ASPG’s one-story, gravity-conserving headquarters in Schaumberg, Illinois.”
Meanwhile, the president has been reading Living Down to Gravity’s Challenge, the autobiography of Darwin Crum, founder of the ASPG.
According to Mr. Crum, “Newton never defined gravity. He simply described what it does. The ASPG, on the other hand, used actual unretouched Xeroxed copies to demonstrate that gravity is produced by LIGREFITEs (Little Invisible Gravity Rays Emanating from Inside The Earth). These LIGREFITEs, which look like threaded rods, originate at the center of the earth and extend outward indefinitely.
“By piercing the electrons at the core of all matter, LIGREFITEs keep everything from floating off into space–except for helium and a few other substances that are threaded in the opposite direction. Obviously if we tax the properties of LIGREFITEs by constantly sending objects like airplanes, cheerleaders, and yo-yos up and down–or by constructing tall buildings that put a strain on LIGREFITEs–we wear out their threads and exhaust our supply of gravity.”
President Obama, who is said to be considering the appointment of a Gravity Czar, plans to seek legislation that will address our nation’s loss of gravity.
“We need bold initiatives that will restore people’s faith in gravity,” said the president. “I urge all Americans to take more naps, to form elevator pools at work, and to set their pop-up toasters on their sides because this not only saves gravity but also results in your toast falling right onto your plate.”
Other measures the president recommended included a cap on roller coaster construction and height limits on vertical food presentation. He also wants all women larger than a 34-B to wear bras.
In other news, the White House dismissed as “premature” a report that President Obama will sign an executive order reducing the ton to 500 pounds.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
