WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of COVID-19 victims in the battered Dakotas region. Hurrying into the White House, wearing a defiant yellow slicker on his return from a golf outing yesterday afternoon, the president announced he would authorize that “up to ten additional days of unpaid sick leave be granted to people who cannot report to their jobs on account of COVID-19.
“Obviously,” said the president, “people who can’t get to work because they’re projectile vomiting shouldn’t have to worry about losing their job because they’ve already used up all their sick days.”
According to a source close to the White House, the president had originally planned to award ninety days paid sick leave to COVID victims, “but Rudy Guliani reminded the boss that many of our donors in that area are bidness people.”
Nevertheless, Republican leaders are praising Trump’s decision, calling it “an example of compassionate conservatism” in action.
“The burdens of the people of the Dakotas are much lighter today as a result of the president’s swift, decisive stroke,” said South Carolina senator Lindsay Graham.
In related news, President Trump also announced that the “surprise meeting” he had planned with “former vice president Biden” this afternoon had been canceled.
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