WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the internationally acclaimed satire site, Postcards from the Pug Bus, says he stands by the quotes he made up about Tom Cruise, “no matter what Tom Cruise says.”
Those “pretend quotes” in which Cruise claimed to have been Shakespeare in a previous life have “spread around the Internet like wildfire,” according to the Associated Press. When the quotes, which appeared in a fabricated Pug Bus article on July 3, were brought to the actor’s attention, he is reported to have become livid—and so, obediently, did a Cruise spokesperson.
“This pathetic so-called interview [in Postcards from the Pug Bus] is a total fabrication,” said the spokesman, who was quoted on monstersandcritics.com and other websites. “Tom did not say those things. He believes the quotes are the work of an Internet hoaxer, a crank determined to belittle him.”
“I’d say Cruise has been belittled already,” laughed Maggitti from the quaintly appointed den that serves as the office of his publishing empire. “I don’t report the news; I just make it up. I invite anyone who doesn’t believe me to read the article that got Tom’s knickers in a twist (see italics below). Then people can decide whether Tom can take a joke or not.”
Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed yesterday that he is “much older” than the forty three years he has spent in his present body. Indeed, said Cruise during a half-hour conference call with selected reporters from his fan clubs’ newsletters, he is “old beyond reckoning.” What’s more, his current life is “probably one of the least satisfying” he has led.
I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents, and developed cures for diseases,” said Cruise. “I only took my present form because Bingodulla, whom all Scientologists worship as the Supreme Thetan, selected me to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, uninformed masses. I really would have preferred being a brain surgeon or a research scientist in this life.”
Cruise said he became aware that he “had been here before,” when he read the complete works of Shakespeare in a month, despite being dyslexic, not long after dropping out of high school.
“Shakespeare was deja vu for me,” said Cruise. “It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That’s why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making “War of the Worlds” and all those other great movies can’t compare to writing “Romeo and Juliet” or the sonnets.
The mention of Romeo and Juliet naturally led to a discussion of Cruise’ highly visible relationship with actress Katie Holmes, 26, to whom Cruise, 43, recently became engaged.
“Kate’s a magnificent, wonderful woman, whom I have known many times in many lives before,” said Cruise. “When I was languishing in prison before being sent to exile, she used to send me notes hidden in the collar of her pug dog. She’s my eternal soulmate.”
Cruise then explained that the “sheer joy of finding Katie” again was something non-Scientologists can’t understand.
“I know the history of this woman; other people don’t,” said Cruise. “Until you’ve been with a partner in countless past lives, you’ll never know the joy of rediscovering that partner in your present life. It’s a joy I wish for all of you.”
In addition to recognizing his days of future passed in the works of Shakespeare and Bach—and in the achievements of Columbus and Napoleon—Cruise recognizes the continuing reappearance of “Anti-Thetanic forces,” such as Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields, with whom he has clashed in former lives.
“I could tell you stories about Brooke,” said Cruise. “She was the mistress of Sigmund Freud, you know. Is it any wonder she promotes his discredited theories? She’s so confused. Her engrams have engrams, and until she faces the source of the pain trapped in those engrams from former lives, she’ll continue to do herself and her followers harm.”
In related news, Cruise said that he expected Dakota Fanning, 11, his co-star in “War of the Worlds,” to profess her faith in Scientology “before too much longer.”
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