NEW YORK – The long-awaited director’s cuts of the Rachael Ray sex videos, “Thirty-Minute Ménages” and “Rachael Ray for $40 a Day,” will be available this Friday. These never-before-released, artisanal creations, packaged in a black-truffle-scented, box-set edition, contain roughly sixty-nine minutes of additional, lip-smacking footage.
“Sometimes you just can’t get all the junk into your trunk in thirty minutes,” says the irrepressible cook in the liner notes to the director’s cuts.
“That’s why we decided to spread out,” adds Ms. Ray, who could never be accused of spreading herself too thin.
In her original sex videos, the cook that everybody loves to hate poked triple-X-rated fun at her annoyingly perky image by appearing in a series of loud, raucous sexual encounters with a variety of partners and foodstuffs, including a prize-winning zucchini named Buster.
“Hi, I’m Rachael Ray!” she announces as she bounds onto her kitchen set wearing nothing but a crotchless apron.
“I’ll bet you’ve never seen a kitchen with stirrups in it before! Awesome! In the next thirty minutes I’m going to show you how you can whip up a tasty, wholesome meal while balling your brains out, and without burning your butt on the stove! Awesome! I’m getting hungry—and horny—just thinking about it! Let’s get cooking!”
Ms. Ray then whips off her apron and twirls it over her head. As she is joined on the set by two impressive-looking men in loincloths, she giggles, “Meat! It’s what’s for dinner! Bring on the EVOO!”
The director’s cut of “Thirty-Minute Ménages,” filmed by Ms. Ray’s younger brother, Manny, features additional footage in which chef Mario Batali and R.E.M.’s Michael Stipe assist Ms. Ray in whipping up an exquisite risotto.
Also featured in this expanded video is Ms. Ray’s hilarious spoof on the small-plates vogue.
“If my titties don’t qualify as small plates, I don’t know what does,” says Ms. Ray as Mr. Batali drizzles thirty-five-year-old balsamic vinegar and fried basil bits over her breasts.
The second video, “Rachael Ray for $40 a Day,” features the spunky, 5’3″ dynamo having sex in “several famous cities” around the world in lodgings that cost $40 a day or fewer.
“Hi! This is Rachael Ray!” the video begins, “and I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to spend a lot of money having sex on clean, six-hundred-thread count sheets to have a good time! I’m also here to tell you I’m not wearing any underwear! Hee, hee, hee!”
In the director’s cut of this video, also filmed by her brother, Ms. Ray has no-holes-barred sex with multiple, camouflage-clad partners in a Baghdad café.
“Awesome!” says Ms. Ray as the tenth-and-last soldier departs. “That sends the right message to the troops! Hee, hee, hee. Who says the surge isn’t working!”
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