WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Reese Witherspoon, William Shatner, and Pat Robertson, are the winners of the Outback Steakhouse free celebrity birthday meals for this eighty-first day of 2006.
According to the latest Outback-Reuters poll, Ms. Witherspoon, 30, Mr. Shatner, 75, and Mr. Robertson, 76, easily bested the likes of actor Karl Malden, 94, mime Marcel Marceau, 83, and composer Stephen Sondheim, 76, for this birthday honor—largely because most people responding to the poll never heard of Messrs. Malden, Marceau, and Sondheim or weren’t sure they’re still alive or if they could chew solid food.
Ms. Witherspoon made headlines recently when this news journal revealed she is suffering from an advanced case of cranioscus minorum (shrinking head). The diagnosis was made by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, M.D. (R-TN), who reached his conclusion after viewing a fifteen-minute segment of the dailies from Penelope, which Ms. Witherspoon is currently filming in London.
As the accompanying image, taken on the set of Penelope, shows, Ms. Witherspoon’s head looks grotesquely small even in a 6 1/4 children’s size helmet. The dimunitive star was characteristically upbeat and perky about her condition, however.
“Golly,” she said, “When I was just a little girl growing up in Tennessee, I never thought that one day I’d have an important medical condition.”
Ms. Witherspoon then laughed and said, “If they ever decide to do a remake of The Fly, I’d be a natural for the part of his mother.”
William Shatner also struggles with a devastating medical condition, one that is all the more impressive because it’s named after him. As reported in this space last year, Mr. Shatner is afflicted with Epiomnistic Shatnerism (ES). This condition, generally found in adult males, “is chronic, progressive, and, for the present at least, unresponsive to any form of psychiatric treatment,” wrote Matthew Strachan, our senior UK correspondent.
“ES presents as the pathological incidence of a large ego measured against poor or risible standards of performance or accomplishment,” explained British researcher James Alexander, FRCPsych, to Mr. Strachan. “Additionally, ES is notable for highly egocentric behavioural traits, unreasonably high self-regard, and delusions of omnipotence. Mr. Shatner is the epitome of these traits—he virtually describes the syndrome—that’s why we named the disease after him.”
Dr. Alexander found that among males aged thirty-five to sixty who work in entertainment, broadcasting, or related occupations, incidences of ES were appreciably high. To assist health care professionals with diagnosis and identification of ES, Dr. Alexander is compiling a list of celebrities who exhibit obvious markers. He declined to discuss the list, but a source close to the research revealed that David Hasselhoff, Bill O’Reilly, James Brolin, Dr. Phil, and Larry King are on it. The only female, so far, to demonstrate symptoms of ES is Eva Longoria.
Pat Robertson’s office released a statement today saying that Mr. Robertson planned to spend “a quiet birthday trying to get right with the Lord.” As the popular blog Lefty Tude reported in January, Mr. Robertson was smited by God, causing Mr. Robertson’s brain to devolve “into that of a learning-disabled Cro-Magnon.”
According to Lefty Tude, God had grown “increasingly annoyed” with Mr. Robertson’s campaign to remove the teaching of evolution from the classrooms. In addition, God was offended that Mr. Robertson had threatened the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania, in His name, and that Mr. Robertson had said Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke was God’s vengeance for Israel’s retreat from the Gaza strip.
“Someone just had to put this guy in his place,” God told Lefty Tude.
Today in history: On this date in 2003 a U.S. Army maintenance convoy made a wrong turn and was ambushed. Eleven soldiers were killed and seven were captured, including Pfc. Jessica Lynch, who dug her way out of a concrete underground bunker with a nail file, beat off twelve of her captors single-handedly, carried three of her comrades forty miles to a hospital, then refused medical treatment for herself until she had stitched up their wounds.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
