NEW YORK – Mick Jagger told Interview magazine’s special correspondent Elton John that none of the songs on the Rolling Stones’ new album, “A Bigger Bang,” is about President George W. Bush. Jagger had previously denied in The Wall Street Journal that “Sweet Neo Con” from “A Bigger Bang” was aimed at the president, but increasing pressure from right-wing groups such as We’re OK, You’re Not, led Jagger to take the additional step of denying that any of the other fifteen tracks on “A Bigger Bang” is “directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly,” about the president.
Conservatives have been in a rabid, bloodthirsty snit since Robert Novak e-mailed a leaked copy of the song list from “A Bigger Bang” to the Drudge Report on Friday. Although commentators like Mike Gallagher and Sean Hannity found a traitor under every bed on “A Bigger Bang,” the greatest invective was hurled at the songs “Rough Justice,” “It Won’t Take Long,” and “Biggest Mistake.”
“These are the most deliberate British assaults on our liberties since the War of 1812,” thundered Bill O’Reilly. “Deportation is too good for these louts.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if Jagger knows more than he’s saying about Natalee Holloway’s disappearance,” said legislator turned commentator Joe Scarborough.
In response to Elton John’s sharp reportorial prodding, Jagger explained that “Rough Justice” is not about Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, or “any of the secret detention camps maintained by U.S. thugs around the world .” The song, laughed Jagger, “is simply about the trials and tribulations of an absentee father attempting to discipline an unruly group of miserable, money-sucking children.”
Jagger was then asked about “It Won’t Take Long,” another cut that has conservatives’ knickers in a twist.
“Puh-leeese,” said Sir Mick. “That one’s about nothing more controversial than sexual stamina among the elderly. It’s not a reference to any of the lies The Shrub fed to a gullible American people whose more enlightened members deface their motorcars with those stupid support-our-troops ribbons.”
“But surely,” Sir Elton exclaimed, “that song ‘Biggest Mistake’ has to be a commentary on the last election.”
“Nah,” replied Jagger with a straight, albeit craggy, face. “That one’s about Jerry Hall’s reality show.”
“Then what about ‘Sympathy for the Devil?'” asked John.
“That’s not on the new album, is it?” chuckled Jagger.
In other news: today’s celebrity birthdays include singer David Crosby, 64; Steve Martin, 60; and Razzie-awards-winning actress Halle Berry, 39. Born today you may be subject to the food allergies that cause one tenth of one percent of all Leos to develop a resistance to gravity. This condition is seldom acute, however, and most Leos afflicted with it—including cartoonist Gary Larson—have turned the loss of gravity into an advantage.
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