LAS VEGAS – Oddsmakers have set the over-under figure for the Sandra Bullock-Jesse James marriage at fourteen months, and the early money has been trending toward the under. The squeaky clean, sensible, major star Bullock, who turns forty-one soon, married the heavily tattooed reality television dude James, 36, in front of more than three hundred guests Saturday on a horse ranch in the Santa Ynez Valley.
“This one’s got about as much chance of lasting as Russell Crowe’s got of controlling his temper,” said noted handicapper Vegas Vic. “It’s basically an eleventh-hour, biological-clock, desperation lunge for her and a leg-up coupling for him.”
Noted behavior analyst “Dr. Phil” McGraw concurs with that assessment.
“I’m down with the under,” chuckled McGraw, “and I’m parlaying it with a ‘her first’ bet on the separation announcement.
“To begin with,” McGraw explained, “Jesse’s already a two-time loser with three kids. If Sandra had wanted a family, she could have done an Angelina Jolie and adopted children. Instead she did a Britney Spears and got herself a married-with-children reject.”
McGraw also warned that the disparity between the earning power of Bullock and James does not bode well for a long-term union.
“In situations like this the husband feels compelled to assert his masculinity and cut his wife down to size by spending as much of her money as he can,” said McGraw. “That’s your basic Kevin Federline syndrome.”
When Bullock began dating James two years ago, the tabloids were quick to point out the difference in appearance between the thuglike James and the pretty-boy actors Tate Donovan and Matthew McConaughey with whom Bullock had previously been involved. James, who likes to brag that his great-great-grandfather was the outlaw Jesse James’ cousin, looks like somebody whose most recent wife is a porn star. Actually, his most recent wife is a porn star.
“Guys who marry porn stars want to inspire penis envy in other men,” said Dr. Phil. “Guys who get divorced from porn stars often wind up with penis envy themselves, for which they try to compensate by collecting macho trophies like motorcycles, skulls, pet sharks, and pit bulls.” Actually James has a collection of motorcycles, skulls, pet sharks, and pit bulls.
Although the Bullock-James nuptials—right down to the date and location—had been announced by Us Weekly a month ago, people who care about such things believed the denial issued by Bullock’s publicist, who maintained that Bullock had “no plans to get married.” Indeed, most people saw Bullock’s flirtation with the rough-around-the-edges James as part of an image restructuring that accompanied Bullock’s role in Miss Congeniality 2, wherein the lovable klutzy agent Bullock plays turns into a diva of sorts.
When Miss Congeniality 2 was savaged by critics, who said that Bullock was about as believable playing a hard-ass as Jessica Simpson would be playing a nun, most people who are interested in such things figured Bullock would return to making movies like While You Were Sleeping. Instead of discarding the prop, however, Bullock decided to marry him.
Perhaps she ought to have thought again. If James does to Bullock’s career what he did to her guest list, she’ll be starring in Speed: 5 before long. When the tiresome James Hetfield of Metallica “headlines” your guest list, along with Jamie Lee Curtis, William Shatner, Regina King, and Constance Marie, you’re definitely playing in summer stock. Where were the Owen Wilsons, Brad Pitts, Paris Hiltons, Lindsay Lohans, Vince Vaughns, Johnny Depps, Jessica Albas, and other big names? Could they all have had prior commitments the same weekend?
Who could blame them for not wanting to be seen at a Hee-Haw wedding that featured bluegrass music by the Cousin Lovers, a cake baked by the bride’s sister, and a ring (given by the bride to the groom) that was actually made by the bride. James at least had the presence of mind to give Bullock a vintage ring bought from jeweler-to-the-stars Neil Lane—but why not, James was probably shopping with Bullock’s money.
In other news, President George W. Bush has vowed to “hunt down and bring to justice the terrorist folks” who leaked photos of Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent colonoscopy to The Daily Show.
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