NEW YORK – Sarah Silverman has had her last orgasm if God’s followers have anything to say about it. Friends of the Big Guy are praying that Ms. Silverman’s morning-after kiss off, seen last week on the season’s finale of her Comedy Central show, will come back to bite her on the ass—
something she apparently did not want her Heavenly Father doing any longer.
Christian groups are unanimous in their belief that God should not take this insult to His manhood lying down.
“What she did was blasphemous,” thundered a representative of the Parents Television Council. “She will burn in hell for that. God is all loving and all good. No one who turns Him away can expect to be saved.”
After God and Ms. Silverman had spent a night together, He invited her to Heaven for the day—even offering to introduce her to Thomas Jefferson.
“Oh, awesome,” Ms. Silverman replied. “I told my friend Natalie I would help her move, though.”
“I could stop time,” God offered.
“That is so sweet,” the comedienne began. “Oh, your pants are over there. I mean not like I’m asking you to leave. I just mean if you can’t see it from this angle of still being in my bed.”
God, a black gentleman of a certain age, is clearly digging Ms. Silverman. He is also clearly hurt. That hurt appears to have become resentment later in the episode, when Ms. Silverman is struggling to formulate a prayer to Him.
“Can you meet me half way?” she asks. “You’re kinda breaking my balls.”
“Alright,” God replies. “Just one more time, Sarah.”
“She’s lucky he didn’t strike her with his terrible swift sword,” declared the head of the United Council of Methodist Bishops. “The First Commandment warns us, ‘I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have strange gods before me.’ Did Ms. Silverman think that proscription didn’t include friends too?
“God knows how to treat a woman, to make her feel special. How many men can make it rain gently all around you but not where you’re walking? By the same token He has no time for women who use Him when it suits them, but deny Him when He asks them for a favor.”
A friend of Ms. Silverman’s, who wished to remain anonymous, came to her defense.
“God’s just another male on an ego trip. He thinks his johnson weighs a ton. Just because she gives him a little, he expects her to drop what she’s doing and follow him around the next day so he can show her off to his friends.”
God did not return calls seeking a comment yesterday. A representative for Ms. Silverman said the comedienne liked God “as a friend” and had slept with Him “mostly out of curiosity” but she isn’t “looking for a relationship” at this time.
In related news, the NAACP has requested a copy of the controversial episode to see if “anything in Ms. Silverman’s actions or attitude” suggests that God was a victim of racism.
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