Satire Site Reveals How to Tell When You’ve Had Sex

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Researchers at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University were gobsmacked to learn that people cannot agree on what they mean when they say they’ve “had sex.” This conclusion was reached following phone interviews with a random sample of 204 men and 282 women living in Indiana. The respondents ranged in age from eighteen to ninety-six. Most were heterosexual.

Ninety-five percent of the respondents said that penile-vaginal intercourse constituted having sex, but 11 percent of the male respondents said it wasn’t sex without ejaculation.

Thirty percent said oral sex did not count as sex. Twenty percent said anal sex didn’t count either. Eleven percent of men past the age of sixty-five did not consider penile-vaginal intercourse to be sex. Twenty percent of the female respondents agreed.

In the light of all this coming and going, Postcards from the Pug Bus conducted its own, non-random survey regarding the definition of sex. We asked several patrons at Bubba’s Barbecue on wet T-shirt night how they can tell when they’ve had sex. Herewith, the results.

You have had sex if . . .

. . . one of your sheep seems especially glad to see you in the morning

. . . you wake up with crumbs in your butt

. . . the dog is sitting in the corner of the bedroom facing the wall

. . . your steering wheel is sticky

. . . your friends begin calling to ask if you’ve “checked out YouTube” lately

. . . you fell asleep without finishing your milk and cookies

. . . three words: hickey on neck

. . . three more words: soreness, tenderness, swelling

. . . you haven’t thought about sex for fifteen minutes

. . . you decide to take yourself out to lunch

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