WASHINGTON – Last night fourteen members of the Senate agreed to an historic compromise on sexual filibustering that may have saved what one senator called “this august body” from ridicule and irreparable harm.
The bipartisan agreement clears the way for an immediate, straight up-or-down vote on three of President Bush’s five stalled judicial nominations. At the same time the compromise preserves the right of either party to employ sexual filibustering to block judicial nominations in the future as long as that filibustering “is an integral part of the debate.”
Sexual filibustering is defined as the recitation of erotic poetry, rap lyrics, or suggestive limericks; the reading of steamy passages from conventional novels or short stories; and/or the employment of provocative gestures such as crotch grabbing or breast jiggling in an effort to forestall a vote on a matter before the Senate. In some instances sexual filibustering may involve the performance of lewd dances by partially clad or totally unclad senators. The latter approach is known as “Full Monty” filibustering.
According to Senate rules, sixty votes are required to end a filibuster and, consequently, to allow the Seante to vote on an issue. Therefore, if forty-one of the one hundred senators vote not to end a filibuster, the debate can continue indefinitely—or until the Michael Jackson trial ends, whichever comes first.
A group of Democratic senators led by Ted Kennedy (D., Mass.), the foremost proponent of crotch grabbing in the Senate, threatened to launch a sexual filibuster this week to block a vote on some of President Bush’s more calcified nominees for federal judgeships. Barbara Boxer (R., Calif.), a major advocate of breast jiggling in the Senate, had threatened to join the filibuster. Among prominent liberal Democrats, only Hillary Clinton, who claims that her breasts haven’t jiggled in years, refused to support the action, allegedly for medical reasons.
Prior to the crafting of yesterday’s historic agreement, Republicans had threatened to invoke a controversial procedure, under the leadership of Vice President Darth Cheney, to change Senate rules in order to deny Democrats the ability to employ sexual filibustering to block judicial nominations. Under the terms of that procedure, senators could be stripped of their right to filibuster unless they were willing to appear naked while successfully debating a fully dressed Republican opponent on at least one Sunday morning talk show.
The seven Democrats who signed the compromise agreed not to support sexual filibustering of Bush’s future nominees, except under “extraordinary circumstances.” Without the votes of those senators, the Democrats cannot keep a sexual filibuster up.
The seven Republicans who signed the compromise agreed not to vote for Bill Frist’s motion to outlaw filibustering by changing Senate rules in order to make it a felony. Without those votes the Republicans do not have the majority they need for a rules change.
The confrontation fight over Bush’s judicial nominees has spotlighted the use of sexual filibustering, a tactic made famous in the 1939 film “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” In one memorable scene from that film, Jimmy Stewart recites “dirty” limericks for three days, including the classic “There Once Was a Man from Nantucket,” while standing in the well of the Senate naked from the waist down.
In other news, First Lady Laura Bush was booed once again, this time at an open mike night in an Israeli comedy club, as her current stand-up tour of the Middle East mercifully draws to a close.
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