COOTER, Mo. – Sharon Stone is expected to visit the tiny southern Missouri hamlet of Cooter early next week to announce that she is joining the cast of Naked News. Not satisfied with appearing naked in the soon-to-be-
released Basic Instinct 2, Ms. Stone sent an audition tape to Naked News last month.
“We were intrigued by the tape, which arrived completely unsolicited,” said Naked News executive co-producer Rhonda Silverman. “Sharon’s audition was provocative to say the least. Truthfully we hadn’t thought of an erotic-yoga-for-older-women segment, but after we had seen Sharon’s camel pose and her downward facing dog, we were sold.”
“I want to do yoga in a startling way that will be disturbing and threatening,” said Ms. Stone. “I want to be very masculine, like an aroused man in a steam room. By the time I join Naked News (on April 1), I’ll be forty-eight, and I want the audience to have a moment where they realize I’m a forty-something woman and I’m naked in some pretty incredible positions.”
Asked why she chose Cooter for her Naked News announcement, Ms. Stone smiled, then slowly crossed and uncrossed her legs.
“Because there were literally no murders, rapes, robberies, or assaults in Cooter for the last two years for which we have statistics,” she purred. “To me Cooter is synonymous with peace.”
In other news, President George W.Bush told the Wasington Post that he has not ruled out restoring Sadam Hussein to power in Iraq if that will prevent the eruption of a full-scale civil war. Mr. Bush suggested that Mr. Hussein’s restoration to power could be “sold” as a fulfillment of the community service portion of his sentence if he is found guilty at the conclusion of his present trial.
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