LONDON – Marriage has not mellowed Sir Elton John, who exchanged vows with his longtime lover, David Furnish, today. At his pre-wedding hen party Monday night, John, 58, called Madonna “a miserable cow” for not attending the cabaret-style bash.
“She was probably too busy practicing her phony British accent,” said John. “It would serve her right if she fell off her high horse again. I hope she breaks her arse next time. They’d need a lorry to transport that to hospital.”
John has engaged in more feuds than a dowager with a bad case of the shingles of late. Earlier this year he took on The Sun, a British tabloid, which reported that John and David Furnish would have to get married because Furnish has gotten an unnamed Canadian pop star pregnant, “and the baby needs a father.”
“Bullocks! Utter twaddle! Steaming horse droppings!” thundered John. “I’ll sue those bastards for everything they’ve got. By the time I’m through with them, they’ll be living on pork scratchings.
“Sure, David and I are apart a lot, but there’s no way he would ever look to a woman, let alone some Canadian bacon, for affection. The very notion is insulting. It’s unnatural.”
The Sun, nevertheless, stuck by its story.
“Dame Elton’s just got his knickers in a twist because Camilla’s the official queen of England,” laughed The Sun‘s lifestyle editor Peregrine Clive. “He’s so B-list these days he couldn’t even make Michael Jackson’s character-witness brigade, and that was five hundred names strong and had fifteen dead people on it.”
John, once known for his telling music, is known currently for telling people off. During the last few turbulent years he has stuck a forked tongue into Robbie Williams, Rod Stewart, George Michael, Boy George, George Clooney, Cher, Bono, John Blair, Prince Charles, Prince, and Michael Jackson.
Says ex-manager and ex-lover John Reid, with whom John has also feuded, “The old poufter certainly has anger management issues. He’s a serial feuder. That’s why he needs to shop so much. It’s his way of relaxing.”
In related news, a spokesman for the state of South Carolina announced that even if Sir Elton John and David Furnish marry, they may not legally occupy the same hotel room.
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