WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Ultra Violet, a group that wages a self-righteous holy war against perceived sexism, has its white cotton panties in a bunch over the Slap Hillary game currently available on the web at Slap Hillary.
Promoted by a Republican super PAC (thank Sweet Baby Jesus that some Republicans have a sense of humor), Slap Hillary allows everyone who has ever wanted to slap this preening mediocrity silly (i.e., nine-tenths of the adult population of the United States) to give her a virtual slap right in the kisser.
As hell hath no fury like a bunch of humorless women on the cotton pony about some injustice or other, one might expect that the slap-by date for Slap Hillary is looming. So slap her while you can, folks, and may we humbly suggest that if Slap Hillary goes, she will be replaced someday by one of these other worthy candidates.
Mothers Against Drunk Driving
According to this rabid coven of buzzkills, “If all 17 million people who admitted to driving drunk in 2010 had their own state, it would be the fifth largest in the U.S.” Great idea. Living there would no doubt be a lot more fun than living anywhere these needle-nose harpies [park their broomsticks. Support Drunks Against Mad Mothers instead.
Breast-feeding Exhibitionists
Girls, if we wanted you to show us your tits, we’d buy you a few drinks, maybe roll you a joint, pay you a few phony compliments, and settle in to watch the show; but we don’t want to see your goddamn tits, so put ’em away. The only person who wants to see your tits is that retard who’s got a lip lock on one of them.
Lena Dunham
Where to begin with this no-talent haystack? She’s so obnoxious her tattoos have filed a restraining order against her. We’d pay to slap this one in real time if we weren’t afraid her face would turn our hand ugly.
Beyonce
Who died and left this bitch queen? So she’s fucking an (ex)-thug who looks like Joe Camel, that doesn’t make her royalty. She named her kid Blue Ivy? Whoa! Like that’s totally awesome. Real royalty name their kids George or Elizabeth. Beyonce is living proof that the only thing more offensive than new-money white people is new-money black people.
Skyler White
If pussies had teeth, this crank’s would be a saber tooth tiger. She’s the main reason most people stop watching Breaking Bad. No wonder her old man shaved his head and went killer batshit. Walt ought to round up a bunch of rattlesnakes, inject ’em with speed, and toss Skyler into a car with them. A compact car, preferably a hybrid.
Ellen Degeneres
A white bread lesbian who makes her living as a comedienne. What’s wrong with that concept? Somebody ought to slap that silly butch haircut off her head. It makes her look like a skinny Bill Parcells, only not as cute. Recently opened a vegan tapas bar. A lesser writer would make reference to munching arugula. Guess that makes us a lesser writer.
Joan Walsh
Even after losing a ton of weight and vowing to shower regularly, this walking dung heap of liberal cliches still looks as if she keeps a salt lick in her closet. A flaming hypocrite, Ms. Walsh once suggested in a column that then President Bush’s daughters might be alcoholics. Some time later she called another writer a racist because he had revealed where President Obama’s daughters had gone on vacation. Duh!?!
Sue Paterno
Looks like an ex-burlesque queen with a $10-dollar wig hat on her empty head. Should be slapped into a coma for enabling, then defending, her sanctimonious fraud of a husband, who covered up major buggery by one of his assistant coaches. Now she’s going to spend the rest of her worthless life trying to restore his good name. She ought to work on restoring her own name first.
Amanda Bynes
It might take a virtual two-by-four to slap some sense into this cluster-fuck of the mind. This chick’s frontal cortex is under constant assault from a drunken gang of Hell’s Angels, who pass it from one bad actor to another, pausing only to splash some beer on it to wake it up.
Nancy Grace
Looks like a redneck Tweety Bird on steroids. The thugs who killed her fiancé way back when were doing him a favor. Unfortunately they did the rest of America a grave disservice.
Dishonorable Mentions
Melissa Ethridge, Whitney Houston (posthumous slap), Jennifer Weiner, Rosie O’Donnell, Amy Winehouse (posthumous slap), Any Kardashian Woman, Wendy Davis, Madonna, Mother Teresa (posthumous slap)
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