NEW HOLLAND, Penna. – Members of the Six-fingered Amish Church of the Propane Redeemer in New Holland, Pennsylvania, celebrated the Third Annual Summer Stoltzfus today. The celebration, which began at 2:46 a.m. and will last until sundown, is designed to counteract the “pagan influence” of Summer Solstice festivals held across the United States.
The venerable Guernsey Pavilion in New Holland Park is the site of the Amish observation. The event is open to the public. Admission is $10 per car or buggy for Pennsylvania residents, $15 for out-of-state vehicles.
“We chose to begin our Summer Stoltzfus at 2:46 a.m. because that’s when the pagan solstice arrives,” Bishop Lemuel Zook explained. “We want to meet the devil and his allies whisker to whisker.”
English (or non-Amish) Summer Solstice observations are held on the day when the northern portion of the Earth tilts closest to the sun. The Amish celebration is held on the same day, but has no connection with the Earth’s revolution around the sun, as most Amish still believe the sun revolves around the Earth.
“Our celebration honors the memory of Summer Stoltzfus, the nineteenth of twenty deaf children born to Isaac A. and Rebecca D. Stoltzfus (nee Stoltzfus),” said Bishop Zook, who played a bit part in the Harrison Ford classic “Witness,” which was filmed nearby. “Despite her handicap, Summer Stoltzfus, who was born between June 20 and 24, 1901, was a champion pickle canner and the mother of fourteen children of her own, some of whom could even hear.”
The Summer Stoltzfus celebration could not be more unlike the traditional solstice observations. The latter feature singing, dancing, raising energy, casting a circle, and invoking the Elements—and are led by people with names like Starhawk and Moon Nipple. The Summer Stoltzfus will feature group quilting, pickling, and canning competitions, as well as three-legged races, both individual and pairs, and road-apple tossing. In addition, lectures in crop-circle design and puppy mill operation will be presented throughout the day.
At the end of the festival the Summer Stoltzfus prize will be awarded to the individual who submits plans for the most creative use of propane in adapting English technology. Early entries include a blow dryer and a vibrator that doubles as a mini butter churner.
In other news, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes paid a surprise visit to Stonehenge to take part in the annual Summer Solstice observation there. Cruise told reporters, who had to be strip-searched before they could interview the couple, that druids are a “branch of the original Scientologists who built Stonehenge.”
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